November, 2013.
youtube.com/watch?v=lBbzOotmgp0
CHARACTERS
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT Navigator/Cannon Fodder, and member of Clan Redshirt.
M’KCHATH Security/Tactical officer, and Warrior of the planet K’ek–K’el.
ICE QUEEN ASTRA MARE Brilliant Monarch, and isolated soul.
CAPTAIN SMACKWORTHY Captain of the Intrepid, and not appearing on stage.
SETTING
A desert moon on the outer rim of the galaxy. Populated by Nomads in the thousands and rumors in the millions.
TIME
Perhaps twenty–four hours will pass.
ACT I
Scene 1 The Battle. Afternoon.
Scene 2 The Nomad Camp. Night.
Scene 3 The Castle of the Ice Queen. Later.
ACT [I]
SCENE [1]
(Behind a rocky outcropping on the desert moon, M’KChath and Lieutenant Redshirt take cover during a fierce firefight.)
NARRATOR
(Voice–over.)
Time for another amazing––
(Music: theme)
NARRATOR
(Continued.)
SPACE SKETCH! Tonight: The Ice Queen of the Desert Moon!
(Ray gun SFX.)
M’KCHATH
(Periodically firing his schmazer rifle.)
By Urong’s Blade, is that the best you’ve got? Hah–Hah!
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
(Periodically firing his schmazer pistol.)
You call this shore leave, Commander M’Kchath?!
M’KCHATH
What? Tired already, Lieutenant Redshirt?
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
I don’t think this is the Pleasure Planet and I KNOW those aren’t the Academy Women Gone Wild!
M’KCHATH
(Rises up to full height, lusty grin upon his face. Pause briefly to take in the scene.)
They’re Wild, aren’t they?
(Beat)
… Ladies…
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
Most of them aren’t women, for one thing.
M’KCHATH
But they’re wearing dresses!
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
Those are robes. On the Nomadic TribesMEN!
M’KCHATH
(Drag this “Bah” out a bit.)
Bah! You humans always make things so complicated!
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
We do––
(Beat)
You’re right…
M’KCHATH
Their schmazers have excellent range! We need to increase power output if we’re to reach them!
(They reset their schmazers from ‘Red’ to ‘Blue’. The firing continues.)
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
We’re hopelessly outnumbered!
M’KCHATH
(Rises again.)
I will eat you, one and all! (Ad Lib to fill time.)
(Then he is stunned unconscious by a schmazer blast, and slumps over the rocks.)
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
(Checks M’kChath for vital signs.)
(Voice Over)
Personal Log: This is when I knew I should have stayed in bed.
(Looks out at the advancing horde.)
For the Redshirts!
(Starts firing his schmazer again, but he is quickly stunned unconcious.)
ACT [I]
SCENE [2]
(In the Nomad camp. M’Kchath and Lieutenant Redshirt are back to back, tied to a post near the animal compound.)
(Music: Weird spacey.)
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
(Groggy.)
…Where are we?
M’KCHATH
Ah! There you are, my friend! We’re prisoners, and they have few horses but many camels.
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
Earth Camels?
M’KCHATH
Indeed, they are.
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
Guess they are earthmen.
(Shifts around a little.)
Wow. They didn’t search us very well. I’ve still got my escape kit.
M’KCHATH
Then there’s even more hope than I thought! Weapons! Grenades!
(Tests his bonds a bit.)
I can break these puny ropes! Watch me!
(M’Kchath expands to a much larger size, BUT QUIETLY because Lieutenant Redshirt’s choking must be heard.)
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
(Gasping wordlessly for breath.)
M’KCHATH
Right! They have us tied together!
(M’Kchath relaxes and Lieutenant Redshirt, nearly unconscious, slumps toward the floor, slipping free of the ropes.)
M’KCHATH (Continued)
Hah! By Ohtasser’s Fist! It’s done!
(Gives Lieutenant Redshirt a hand up.)
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
(Staggers to his feet.)
Suggest we steal some camels, then drop a few grenades to cause a stampede.
M’KCHATH
No! We take the horses!
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
Commander, camels can outrun horses.
M’KCHATH
(Resolute.)
Horses are cooler.
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
(Voice Over)
Personal Log: I’m going to regret this…
(The pair turn and walk upstage towards the backdrop.)
(Music: Chase. SFX: multiple, rapid explosions.)
ACT [I]
SCENE [3]
(The Castle of the Ice Queen, and the city beneath the ice.)
(M’Kchath and Lieutenant Redshirt turn towards the audience and mime riding horses.)
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
(Looks behind for pursuers, then turns back toward audience…)
They’ve stopped following us. Why?M’KCHATH
(Laughs, but just a bit too much.)
Weaklings! Cravens! One and all!
(They stop moving and dismount.)
(Music rises up.)
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
Do you see––?
M’KCHATH
(Creepy giggle.)
A castle in the desert? Made of ice?
(Begins to softly cackle maniacally.)
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
(Voice Over)
Personal Log: This is when I knew something was wrong.
(Continues with voice.)
Perhaps someone in there can help you, Commander.
M’KCHATH
(Disoriented)
Yes, medical attention I need.
(M’Kchath & Lieutenant Redshirt take a few steps towards stage left, then turn towards stage right to see…)
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
Oh, my…
(Enter Queen Astra Mare from stage right wings as theme rises.)
QUEEN ASTRA MARE
(Businesslike, crisp, yet regal.)
Who are you, that you should violate the fair city of Queen Astra Mare?
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
(Indicates M’Kchath.)
Lieutenant Redshirt and Commander, M’Kchath, of the Starship Intrepid… Your majesty?
QUEEN ASTRA MARE
I see your friend has the Space Madness. We can help him, but it will be slow and painful.
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
He is a K’ek–K’el warrior, pain means little to him.
QUEEN ASTRA MARE
I mean for you, brave man.
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
What?!
QUEEN ASTRA MARE
(Taking a turn for the creepy.)
Only blood can cure Space Madness. Warrior! If you would live, bring your comrade to the altar!
M’KCHATH
(Half growling, half giggling, he begins pulling Lieutenant Redshirt towards the table, stage right.)
I like blood!
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
(Trying to fight M’Kchath off.)
Are you crazy, your highness?
(M’Kchath should be pushing Lieutenant Redshirt against the table by now.)
QUEEN ASTRA MARE
Hold, warrior! Lieutenant Redshirt wishes to die gloriously in battle!
(M’Kchath releases Lieutenant Redshirt and steps back into a wobbly ready pose.)
M’KCHATH
Defend yourself!
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
Yeah, about that…
(stage whisper)
I’m not really a Redshirt.
QUEEN ASTRA MARE
(Laughingly scornful.)
Oh, you all say that!
(To M’Kchath)
It would be best if his body were left intact. Is there a K’ek–K’el Death Grip?
M’KCHATH
(Trying to bob and weave.)
There are three, if you count the one we only use on feast days.
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
(Desperate for time.)
No, really! My mom remarried after my father died––
(Suddenly realizing that something might be horribly wrong after all.)
–– On that mission… With SpaceFleet…
(Beat)
Damn!
(Queen Astra Mare and M’Kchath laugh.)
(SFX: Lieutenant Redshirt’s comm badge activates.)
CAPTAIN SMACKWORTHY
(Backstage on microphone.)
Intrepid to away team! Report!
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
Commander M’Kchath has Space Madness! And he’s trying to kill me!
CAPTAIN SMACKWORTHY
I’m not surprised, but it was safer to have him off the ship while we went for medicine.
LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT
Great! Two to bleem up, then.
(To Queen Astra Mare)
Your grace, my apologies, but I’ll have to die for you some other time.
QUEEN ASTRA MARE
(With menace)
I’ll make you wish you’d never been born…
(She shapes her hand like a telephone receiver and puts it to her ear.)
(Mouths wordlessly, “Call Me”)
(All bow and exit with music.)
for my taste! 