Jaysen wrote:For you it is writing. For me it is music. I have been playing for years and have done studio work for others. But I can't seem to "succeed" on my own. I just don't see myself as "good". Folks have payed me to play. I get an occasional royalty check. But I am not a professional musician.
I think the problem for me, and maybe for you, is that the music/writing is more us than it is a work on its own. Which means that any rejection of the work is a statement that I, by extension of the me-ness of the work, am also rejected. Meanwhile, my professional life as a computer geek, has no bearing on my self image. It is a job that I do outside me so reject away. What do I care? it is just a lousy system.
In looking at your accomplishment in this light, I can see the hugeness of what you have done. If this can be a building block to freedom from your anxiety then nothing can be greater.
Oh yes! Exactly!
It's totally like that. And it's easier to pitch an article of non-fiction, or submit my humour pieces, than to even consider the whole Amnar thing.
It's like asking somebody to evaluate my soul and find it worthy! You sum it up perfectly.
I know for some people, it's even worse - just the idea of writing out the idea they have is impossibly hard, because the moment it's there in concrete form, well, it might end up not being so great after all. That's one of my fears. If my work is finally in print, it might just not be much good.
It's a bit like saying, "Here's my heart and a knife, why don't you have a stab?"
I still haven't dared do the big thing and submit Amnar anywhere. I figured I'd work up to that. I have a publicist, which is great, but just knowing that he has copies of my work that he's sending out to his literary connections is terrifying, when I think about it.
I've found that it's not just rejection I'm scared of, it's acceptance. I've had publishing deals with traditional houses fall through, and the relief surprises me. I think I'm afraid it might get out there and just not be that great, and what does that say about me? etc.
The first time I did a reading at a literary festival, I was sick beforehand. I shook all the way through and I could feel the sweat coming off me. I didn't have the courage to read Amnar, either, so it didn't really teach me that I *could* do it. My mind keeps saying, "The next lot of people might say it's cr*p, and then where will you be?"
I completely get where you're coming from and thank you again for the support. I feel like I'm getting there, bit by bit.
J xx
