Right out of the blue

IJ
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Sat Aug 07, 2010 4:48 pm Post

Jaysen wrote:For you it is writing. For me it is music. I have been playing for years and have done studio work for others. But I can't seem to "succeed" on my own. I just don't see myself as "good". Folks have payed me to play. I get an occasional royalty check. But I am not a professional musician.

I think the problem for me, and maybe for you, is that the music/writing is more us than it is a work on its own. Which means that any rejection of the work is a statement that I, by extension of the me-ness of the work, am also rejected. Meanwhile, my professional life as a computer geek, has no bearing on my self image. It is a job that I do outside me so reject away. What do I care? it is just a lousy system.

In looking at your accomplishment in this light, I can see the hugeness of what you have done. If this can be a building block to freedom from your anxiety then nothing can be greater.


Oh yes! Exactly!

It's totally like that. And it's easier to pitch an article of non-fiction, or submit my humour pieces, than to even consider the whole Amnar thing.

It's like asking somebody to evaluate my soul and find it worthy! You sum it up perfectly.

I know for some people, it's even worse - just the idea of writing out the idea they have is impossibly hard, because the moment it's there in concrete form, well, it might end up not being so great after all. That's one of my fears. If my work is finally in print, it might just not be much good.

It's a bit like saying, "Here's my heart and a knife, why don't you have a stab?"

I still haven't dared do the big thing and submit Amnar anywhere. I figured I'd work up to that. I have a publicist, which is great, but just knowing that he has copies of my work that he's sending out to his literary connections is terrifying, when I think about it.

I've found that it's not just rejection I'm scared of, it's acceptance. I've had publishing deals with traditional houses fall through, and the relief surprises me. I think I'm afraid it might get out there and just not be that great, and what does that say about me? etc.

The first time I did a reading at a literary festival, I was sick beforehand. I shook all the way through and I could feel the sweat coming off me. I didn't have the courage to read Amnar, either, so it didn't really teach me that I *could* do it. My mind keeps saying, "The next lot of people might say it's cr*p, and then where will you be?"

I completely get where you're coming from and thank you again for the support. I feel like I'm getting there, bit by bit.

J xx
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Jaysen
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Sat Aug 07, 2010 4:58 pm Post

LBJ wrote:I've found that it's not just rejection I'm scared of, it's acceptance.

This I know. My mind goes to "what happens if I can't do it again?" or "is it just a fluke?" The one hit wonder.

I think though, that we need to go back to a basic principle that most of us what to teach our children: You define who you are and when you are successful, let no one else control your opinion of you.

If we can absorb that into ourselves then we have nothing to fear from either success or failure.
Jaysen

I have a wife and 2 kids that I can only attribute to a wiggle, a giggle, and the realization that she was out of my league so I might as well be happy with her as a friend. 26 years marriage later, I can't imagine life without her. -Me 10/7/09

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IJ
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Sat Aug 07, 2010 4:59 pm Post

Jaysen wrote:
LBJ wrote:I've found that it's not just rejection I'm scared of, it's acceptance.

If we can absorb that into ourselves then we have nothing to fear from either success or failure.


Now there's wisdom. :mrgreen:
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Sat Aug 07, 2010 6:03 pm Post

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As a professional, you, are your one and only asset. Without integrity you are worthless, but with it, you are priceless.

IJ
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Sat Aug 07, 2010 6:28 pm Post

There's this big black monolith sitting in the middle of my apartment right now. :P

*Love* that film, by the way. It was nice to see the beginning again.
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Sat Aug 07, 2010 6:42 pm Post

IJB wrote:There's this big black monolith sitting in the middle of my apartment right now.

...................................................................................Flash
Boyfriend, dog or inner demon? Dog or demon...we got^ problems! :shock:
As a professional, you, are your one and only asset. Without integrity you are worthless, but with it, you are priceless.

IJ
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Sat Aug 07, 2010 8:06 pm Post

vic-k wrote:
IJB wrote:There's this big black monolith sitting in the middle of my apartment right now.

...................................................................................Flash
Boyfriend, dog or inner demon? Dog or demon...we got^ problems! :shock:


:shock:
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vic-k
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Sat Aug 07, 2010 8:57 pm Post

IJB wrote: :shock:

Is the big black monolith: (a) an affectionate term for the boyfriend (like my wife might use when referring to me (minus affectionate, obviously))?
(b) a big black dog (could be a bloody big dog. Its also a name for depression.
(c) Depression as in, inner demon. Put demon below.
(d) Demon as in one of those whatsits y` don`t wanna bump into on a lonely mist enshrouded country road at night.

If it`s big dog or demon, then the flash thingy I tinker with periodically, could mean that you are linked to me telepathically? It`s not good for anybody to be linked to me telepathically. It`s not even good for, me, to be linked to me telepathically.

Or have you actually got a big slab of granite in the middle of your lounge? :?
As a professional, you, are your one and only asset. Without integrity you are worthless, but with it, you are priceless.

IJ
IJB
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Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:26 pm Post

vic-k wrote:
IJB wrote: :shock:

Is the big black monolith: (a) an affectionate term for the boyfriend (like my wife might use when referring to me (minus affectionate, obviously))?
(b) a big black dog (could be a bloody big dog. Its also a name for depression.
(c) Depression as in, inner demon. Put demon below.
(d) Demon as in one of those whatsits y` don`t wanna bump into on a lonely mist enshrouded country road at night.

If it`s big dog or demon, then the flash thingy I tinker with periodically, could mean that you are linked to me telepathically? It`s not good for anybody to be linked to me telepathically. It`s not even good for, me, to be linked to me telepathically.

Or have you actually got a big slab of granite in the middle of your lounge? :?


I was referring, jokingly, to the slab of granite. I read the book last month for a book club meet, which explains rather more clearly than the film what the monolith does. I was referring to the way the thread - and what happened this week to get me to write the thread - had inspired me to think differently about myself as a writer and indeed, interacting with people a bit, too.

Since the monolith basically encouraged the species to think and act differently with new thoughts and ideas, I was vaguely suggesting I had a monolith by me right now.

Of course, you probably had to have read the book, and been inside my head when I wrote that one line reply in order to get all of that. Total reference fail on my part, there. :roll: :oops:
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vic-k
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Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:34 pm Post

Well, if y`re not linked to me telepathically, there`s still hope for you.
As a professional, you, are your one and only asset. Without integrity you are worthless, but with it, you are priceless.