This was done for a class about metqaphors and similes. I don’t know why this came up, It’s not what I usually write, but I thought it interesting.
The weekend at last. A marathon couldn’t be more draining than this week.
A cold beer awaits for me. A beer, late night TV is heaven sent.
The door opens. A late night disturbance. My beer and late night TV will have to wait. The call is from a building in the dark side of town.
Opening the door the silence is heavy. The room is dilapidated with the feel of decay. I call out, no answer. A false report. Time to meet up with my beer and TV.
As I approach the door, a sound. I turn to see something disappear down the hall that was musty and smells of death.
No one is here. My beer awaits. Movement, something brushes my neck. A sharp pain. Oblivion. Awakening a thirst, not for beer but a drink that is warm, sticky leaving me with a burning desire that races through my body. My anticipated weekend is now forgotten for eternal nights of hot blooded temptation.
The first para of my second crime novel: Whisper of Death.
Meredith Bennington reaches for the shrieking mobile. Knocks it to the floor. Pads her fingers across the bedside rug. Probes for the recently updated iPhone.
I write fiction, but am also working on a memoir / auto bio (haven’t fully decided whether it will be a snapshot or the full shebang) that presently stands at 110,000 words. Sounds a lot, but if one can pratt on like I do, it’s a piece of pi**.
Also venture into poetry, but not new-age poetry that even the poet can’t understand. So I might write a few verses of hearts and flowers and then go back to killing characters: stabbings; cling wrap around the head; drownings; knifes; spiked drinks; okay, that’s enough - you’ll all think there’s a very sad case just joined!!
This is what my life has become - sitting in front of yet another inane television sitcom or overacted docudrama, it’s hard to tell the difference nowadays. I’m drinking an oversized glass of wine - enough to do more than dull the pain.
is that the opening of your wip or a cry for help
if the latter, may I humbly suggest using a normal sized glass and repouring from the bottle frequently. you,ll get just as medicated, but at least your step count will go up a little.
I’m actually writing kinda two books at the same time first Devil’s Game is almost ready and its sequel Deception Game is under away too so I’m going to put first lines from both.
Devil’s Game starts:
Nicodemus Piper was bored, frustrated or anything what would describe almost not to be disappointed.
And sequel Deception Game starts:
Gasping for air he pushed himself thru narrow alley.
I met someone at a party who said a friend was making quite good money writing erotica and selling it on Amazon. Well, I rushed home and stopped working on the great novel. Thirty-two days and 82,000 words later uploaded ‘The FIFI CODE: A novel of love and lust for people who love people’. It was fun and writing quickly gave me new insights into how I could change my writing practices. Needless to say, I was probably the last one through the erotic genre door. To say it is overcrowded would be an understatement. The Kindle version has sold a dozen or so but very few paperbacks ordered so far although I’m ordering author copies and selling through a local bookshop quite well. Meanwhile, thanks to Scrivener, I’m back on the big work which I think will now benefit from my momentary affair with Fifi.
The first line of The FIFI CODE is:
Living at the Bennetts’ house was wonderful. Rosa and Albert Bennett were so friendly and loving, and the house, set in a beautiful garden, was filled with their stuff, accumulated over a long and happy life together.
Thanks for reading, and for the feedback. At that time, I had taken a Great Courses class on Long Sentence writing, and was trying my hand. The next sentence was 4 words, just for contrast. The goal was to complete a lengthy series of actions, but without the constant use of “and”, without semicolons, etc…but, just a long continues action sequence…in this case, entering the door, all the way to the chair, while giving away that it was a Private Investigator’s office at the very end. Fun stuff. Not sure how effective it is, but the learning process was a good one.
So, it’s been a year, but that year doesn’t count, right? And what a fine thread this is. So, a little belated commentary on Marc64’s opening lines—
You certainly create a vivid image for me with this. My mind is ready at this point for the scene to open up to me either by bringing on a character who has entered on this scene or perhaps by putting that character into action — though this seems the lesser of the two options, because you have me thinking this guy doesn’t do anything. It is interesting to see how that impression is made here, because it is not just that he isn’t doing anything. It is the contrast: his beard struggles, his buttons desperately try, but all he does is something perfectly passive, he sits.
Here are some line item comments (though heaven knows your 1st draft must be ancient history now):
That second string of words leading up to the second full stop is not a complete sentence, nor does it seem like a perceptual impression — and it is not clear at this point there is someone in the scene to own an impression. The fragment is readily made complete, though, so this is much to be recommended.
I think a grey wispy beard immediately suggests a long beard, but that is not what you want, so maybe ‘wispy’ is the wrong word here. It also seems too delicate for a face you compare to old leather. Speaking of which: this fellow does not present to me as a guy who would have a hard time growing a beard if he allowed it, so why does his beard struggle to cover his chin. I can see how it might barely cover his chin — that is merely descriptive, albeit with some editorial hint of inadequacy — but to say it struggles suggests he can’t manage it — which I don’t quite understand or can’t quite fit with the image you’re giving me of this guy. Maybe there is something I don’t understand about senior men’s beards?
One more: the line about the buttons is perhaps overly ornate for its value. I would simplify/streamline (e.g., see how gratuitous ‘seemingly’ is there).
Finally, I see we are in the present tense. Assuming your whole novel is not written in the present tense, I would say this paragraph (and opening scene) should likewise be put in the near-universal standard past tense. Veering from that norm of fiction/storytelling does not make this opening scene-moment more immersive or immediate.
Thanks gr for your feedback. It should be noted that this was 14 months ago and was right ant the beginning of my writing journey and I have learned a hell of a lot since then. This particular passage no longer exists. In fact, the whole premise of the novel no longer exists.
That said, the whole novel was going to be in the present tense as is my current WIP.
Interesting. It is a bold choice. And, yes, that was me trying to quietly make sure it was a conscious choice on your part — as it is something people starting out sometimes fall into without realizing that it is not the norm. I once had an exchange with a friend who was just starting out and writing in present tense. She was convinced that this was how the things she read were written, and was astounded to discover that none of the exemplars she pulled from the shelf were written that way. They were all written in past tense! I always remember this when I see present tense writing.
I do have my doubts about choosing present tense — which you may also have gleaned from my post. I know there is a whole trend out there, but I have yet to find myself facing any story narrative that would make present tense seem like the best choice. This may be a failure of imagination on my part, of course!
I’ve read books in both past & present tense and I just feel more immersed in the story if it’s written in present tense, almost as if I’m there whilst it’s happening rather than just being told what’s already happening.
And yes, everything I’ve read in the present tense was definitely written in the present tense.
first Devil’s Game is almost ready and its sequel Deception Game is under away too so I’m going to put first lines from both.
