Haaagghhh!!!Haahhh!!
Canine cousin Scottie, give us a break! Y’ mean irritating yapping…don’t y’?
Cus Fluff
Oh, no, no, no - bless you you misguided kitty: you’re thinking of a Maltese, or maybe a Bichon Frise. You gotta love 'em, they try so hard, but they’re not Westies. No, they’re [size=50]very small dogs[/size] in a [size=85]small dog’s[/size] body. But Westies? We’re [size=150]big[/size] dogs in a little dog’s body. We’re known for our fierce barking that leaves one with the certain knowledge and cold appreciation of our lupine ancestry. My human, bless his soft heart, used to take me into the front yard to meet the children I’d terrified so they’d know that there wasn’t a wolf in the “corner house”. I was pleased to show them what a true Westie could do - to see their smiles at the “cute doggie” brought a wag to my tail. Then I’d fall asleep in the sun streaming through the front gate. 
Gate or gait? I’d break it up to make it easier to read and to add tension:
The final line adds to the tension as it puts the two protagonists in a small shared space.
Young Briar Kit,
Correct me if I’m wrong…no doubt you will, but, I was under the impression that an expression like, “… she came from money.” implies that the lady in question comes from a wealthy family background, as opposed to, say, an ex-lap dancer, married to a millionaire, higher echelon member of the UKIP Party.
Fluff
since this one has been brought back up, and i have a rare pocket with a little more time, i thought i,d expand on my earlier comment.
i really like the way you use the passage - which seems to be about the lady - to tell us things indirectly about the investigator - it,s his observations and ability to read her that speak to his experience and insight.
i do have a couple of notes you might find helpful.
a sentence like this demands a certain following structure. namely…
- why it,s obvious that she came from money, then
- her name and why that name screams money.
i,ll assume that the very next sentence after your passage says what her name is and the one after that explains why that name equals money, and focus here on the ,why it,s obvious, part that you,ve uploaded.
the ,which even now was simply and discreetly lettered: Personal Investigations., doesn,t quite work. firstly, it interupts the structure the first sentence demands. secondly, why ,even now,? thirdly, avoid using more than one adjective (simply and discreetly)
be careful with your description of the lady. anything you put here (before you get to her name) absolutely has to explain why it,s obvious - to an experienced private eye at least - that she has cash. unfortunately, that,s not always the case with what you,ve written. tall and erect? nope. moving with accuracy? goes to her focus and intent, but without some other explanation it doesn,t illustrate wealth. you need to either contextualise and contrast with how every other poor working stiff comes into the office, or explain something like she holds herself with the confidence that only comes from a long time spent in expensive schools. now i know you have put the contast in later, but given that that is 50 words after otherwise unconnected facts you,ve already got me disagreeing. given the hard-boiled style you,re going for that,s too long. consider switching it round to the contrast first and then why she differs.
also, the long list of qualities for the normal visitor doesn,t work for me. try painting the picture in a different way to make it sound less journalistic or technical. something like…
Think people can be described as coming from money: either old or new.
Maybe the lap dancer comes from old money and chooses to marry the UKIP millionaire.
Maybe the woman in the opening paragraph comes from new money.
I think “she came from money” is not a great expression. The word piano might come from Italian; stress might come from being out of control; Keith might come from Truro; or he might come from a family of philosophers; but no one really “comes from money” unless “money” is extrapolated out to mean something along the lines of “a wealthy family/background”. In which case, I’d suggest “She came from a wealthy family—old money.”
I mainly suggested a change in the first sentence (1) because it was so long, and (2) because simply having her name entered on a calendar doesn’t mean anything in terms of him knowing who she is or whether she is wealthy. It is whether he knows / recognises her name that is important.
“He would have known that she came from old money even if hadn’t already seen [recognised / read] her name on his calendar…”
cough Furball induced typo, Floss? Adverb…
i,d argue for an adjective here: despite the fact that the author has written the section using form that would suggest an adverb / verb relationship, the prose is intended to imply that it is the letters themselves that are simple and discrete, and not that the decorator snuck in at the dead of night to paint the letters while nobody was looking.
whatever side you fall on semantically, it,s a phrase that could do with some tighter construction.
i don,t have a problem with the phrase ,came from money, of itself. i,m pretty comfortable with the idea that a pi might be able to tell from looking at a broad that she not only had money but also that she was born into it; that money and class was something received and not earned.
i,d be much more worried by ,came from old/new money,. how is someone supposed to tell just by looking at someone how their parents acquired the money? at that point i,d wonder if our pi wasn,t deluding himself with the first statement and it really was the name in the appointment calendar that was giving him this insight.
scratches head
Simple and discrete are adjectives.
Simply and discretely are adverbs.
But I agree with your point in general.
Why do all your apostrophes come out on the forum as commas?
you can come down either side or the argument semantically. i think of them as misspelt adjectives, you think of them as misapplied adverbs. the outcome is the same.
KILL HIM CUS!!! 
Cus Fluff
PS beware semantic black holes cus 
identified, labelled, moved on.
i do feel like attacking something. 
I see you’re honing your overstating skills. Like it cus 
Cus Fluff
Afternoon all,
OK then. I’ve procrastinated about this long enough. Here’s the introduction to the short story / novella / novel that’s been kicking around inside my head for the better part of 12 years.
It’s set in the Shadowrun world. (See shadowrun4.com for details of this role-playing game. I’m not going to try and explain it all here. Just go and read the timeline if you want to read the “history of the world” as it relates to the game.)
Oh, if the moderators think this should be moved to it’s own thread or deleted, go right ahead.
V
if i was your editor, this entire passage would have a very big red line all the way through it.
i,m sorry to have to put it this bluntly, especially since the writing itself is fine, but it is all - every single word of it - irrelevant. hell, you even describe it as rambling yourself, right there in the middle of your prose.
a couple of things to remember…
1 - if you are writing a genre piece within an established world you do not need to world build. you can assume that anyone buying a shadowrun novel will be familiar with the concepts of shadowrun.
2 - the thing about background is that is exactly where it belongs… in the background. drop any such information in only as required and do it inbetween the bits of story-telling.
in short, don,t tell me ,I think I shall begin in the crypt.,
just begin there. i mean it. actually there. in the crypt.
not eight words earlier when you tell me ,I think I shall begin in the crypt., but actually in the crypt.
not 623 words earlier either.
also, it is great that playing shadowrun has inspired you to tell your own stories. but here is the thing, books that tie-in to established media tend to be commissioned rather than bought. unless you already have a deal with the publisher, you are making it much harder that your writing will be elevated beyond fan fiction.
why not take the same basic premise and build your own world. you,ll do three things…
- improve your odds of publication
- reduce the amount of royalties you have to share with other people
- remove the constraints of fitting into someone else,s idea / world
Hi Floss,
My first thought was “Wow. That was f**king brutal.” 
My second thought was “You have a damned good set of points there.”
You’ve given me a lot to think about - most of which I hadn’t even considered. I think that some rewriting is in order. Now all I have to do is find the time, motivation and inspiration to do so. 
Thanks.
V
I do wonder sometimes whether the black 'n white feline fur-balls that stalk this forum are actually physical manifestations of a certain Stockport gentleman’s left and right hemispheres.
Master Bedturd, off-topicing, as we are all aware, is the unacceptable face of fora existence, however, the introduction of my human’s testicles to the proceeding, is a disgusting step too far, and assists young Viking, not one jot!
Young Master Viking,
Cousin Floss’ honest and constructive critique of you endeavour, leaves you with much food for thought, your enthusiasm in tact, and what’s more important…stimulated. Go forth, young warrior, and do good…stuff!
Fluff
Look, you furry fetid trollop, you’re only allotted nine you know. Time for some target practice, methinks. 