To be performed this coming Friday night. I’ll let everyone know when the video makes it to youtube.
Megalomaniacal Fuel Attendants
Tom:
Fill up with regular? Yes, Ma’am.
(To George)
George! Get this one!
George
(Enthusiastic) Right. Have you seen the sales figures?
Tom
Yes. It’s already looking to be a good day.
George
Almost too good to be true.
Tom
No, George, we have a plan. With your analytical skills and my business acumen, there’s no way we can’t succeed THIS time.
George
I’m not sure I’m ready to be a regional manager.
Tom
Of course not. Because you’re ready to OWN the region! You’ll have everything west of the Mississippi in six months. (Aside) A receipt? Yes, Ma’am, just a moment. (To George) Say nothing. You signed a non-disclosure agreement.
George
Yes, and the non-compete. I know the value of a contract.
Tom
Good. Because that’s how we’re going to go places. The corporation is weak, and soon enough it will be our time to strike.
George
Okay. I feel good about this. You’re sure about this?
Tom
George, we know the fuel price changes before the public does. A sure path to profit!
George
(Confused) Well, yes. We have to change the sign.
Tom
Thirty seconds and a phone are all we need. What did I tell you?
George
When the price goes up, we make money. When the price goes down, we make money.
Tom
Always!
George
We need to get paid first.
Tom
Details! That old lady just tipped me a dollar. We’re on our way.
George
But isn’t this insider trading?
Tom
Damn it, George, I thought you were a man of vision! By the time they figure out what we’ve done, we’ll be in the islands, and our money will be scattered across the world. We’ll be so famous they’ll be writing books… about our mistresses!
George
Yeah. I like that part. (Points off in the distance) And we’ll tell that guy in the Cadillac get lost! He gives me the creeps.
Tom
That’s the George I need! It’s a heady fragrance, isn’t it?
George
Yeah. Oh, you don’t mean the gasoline.
Tom
No, (Tom breathes deeply of the vapors) though I like that scent very much. Success is just a few extra ones and zeros now, anyway.
George
Gas isn’t. It’s wet.
Tom
No, it’s fungible. The gas you purchase isn’t necessarily the gas you receive. Another opportunity for profit!
George
Really?
Tom
Trust me.
George
You made me sign a contract.
Tom
But trust it to be the right contract!
George
I hope this plan works quickly. I’ve got bills to pay.
Tom
As do we all.
George
I’m still a bit nervous.
Tom
You, George, embrace your fear. You feel the adrenalin. You seize the day!
George
What about tomorrow? We’re both off work.
Tom
Friday, then, but get here early. It’s a short day for the market.
George
But we’re working doubles Friday…
Tom
(Frustrated) Just a few minutes early! Show me that you want it!
George
Well…
Tom
No backing out now! I know where you live!
George
This is riskier than I thought…
Tom
It won’t be once we have our space-based lasers.
George
What?
Tom
We have to control the flow of oil worldwide. We’ll need mighty weapons quickly.
George
Weapons?
Tom
Submarines… Tankers… (Rubbing his hands together) And mobile armor suits! Even James Bond would soil himself and run!
George
Armor?
Tom
There are so many who must taste my revenge…
George
Revenge? Against who?! Now you’re scaring me.
Tom
(Ignoring George) I’ve trained raccoons to spy for us… They’re everywhere in this town, you know.
George
How can raccoons spy?
Tom
They aren’t just eating your garbage… They bring me tidings…
George
Like what?
Tom
(Creepy excitation) They need weapons for their war against the squirrels… (Boasting now) I have the ear of their king.
George
Are you crazy?!
Tom
No! The opossums are crazy! They say they want to remain neutral vis-a-vis the war, but they’re armed up to their wretched little necks. We may be the raccoons’ only hope, George.
George
How can WE be their only hope?!
Tom
George, would you turn your back on them in their hour of need? (Pause. Extend cupped hands, palms up.) They’re so cute with their little hands…
George
You’re acting creepy…
Tom
Careful! We all know where you live…
George
Tom-- We? What does ‘we’ mean?
Tom
You don’t think that the raccoons would trust me without going through the initiation, do you?
(Tom pauses to schmear black face paint under his eyes)
I’m one of them now.
George
Let’s just forget that I was ever a part of any of your schemes…
Tom
But George-- it’s you the raccoon king has chosen to wed his daughter the princess! (Turns away from George) Not I, I who did all the work…
George
(Exasperated) I’m not marrying a raccoon!
Tom
(Almost pleading) She really is quite lovely in the moonlight… (Turns toward audience) Silken fur, eyes dark like the sea… (Extend cupped hands, palms up. Tom looks down at them in despair.) her wee little hands…
George
You’re nuts!
Tom
(Looking off in the distance…) You know, the squirrels don’t consider that to be an insult… They will be difficult to overcome.
George
I’ve had enough! I’m going on break. (Exits stage rear)
Tom
Go then! And you will rue this day when the opossums chew through your door! (Acknowledges that he is alone now) She told me she loved me…
© 2011 Kevin L. Corridon
It’s a good job they know me in there.