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Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 11:59 pm
by Jaysen
I never said that you NEEDED to do any of those, just that anyone who HAD suffered with the "eloquence" of which you speak would have.

Mine are a bit beyond the age at which this expression is allowed. Yet I find myself frequently cursing the one responsible for teaching them advanced communication skills. When all they could do was be "eloquent" I could at least plead ignorance and the frustration was one of … discomfort shared. But now! Now I hear often just why the are choosing to express their "eloquence" and the frustration is one of … insanity.

Hence my frequenting the vacant place next to one Mr. K.

Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:00 am
by Jaysen
vic-k wrote:
Eldritch wrote:Yeah, means you'll save a few pennies come Christmas.


I said they don`t talk to me. I didn`t say they don`t take. Friggin freeloaders, arn`t they? :(

Umm… takes one to know one?

Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:04 am
by Eldritch
Got a few of those in my family (I use the term loosely) vic. What I find strange is the missus frowns upon my suggestions to have them knocked off. :(

Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:17 am
by vic-k
I`ve tried developing really disgusting personal habits, y` know, like wearing the same pair of under pants for a fortnight, instead of a week, and then pre-soaking them in the hand basin in the bathroom or the bidet, or hiding all toilet tissue, and replacing them with little squares of newspaper, well I`m saying newspaper. What I meant was the Daily Sport. Shuffled together with squares of the Catholic Universe. Nothing works, just floggin` the proverbial. :(

Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:27 am
by Eldritch
:shock: Is that to get rid of the in-laws or the wife vic?

Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:29 am
by Jaysen
Eldritch wrote::shock: Is that to get rid of the in-laws or the wife vic?

for vic-k the question may be moot.

Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:33 am
by vic-k
Actually, the older she gets the more it inadvertently slips out, that she`s coming around to my way of thinking. It wont make any difference though...the feckers`ll still keep coming :(

Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:40 am
by Eldritch
Have you thought of daubing a red cross on your front door vic?

Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:57 am
by vic-k
they`d only see that as indicating a place where they can get free medicines as well as long stay board and lodgings.
We all have our crosses to bear. C`est la vie.
Off to bed with a heavy heart(run out of Jameson).

Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 3:06 pm
by Wock
Somethings you can try to persuade your in-laws to either leave early or never visit.

(1) LEAKY GLASSES
Before they arrive go out and buy some cheap plastic drinking glasses. Take a drill and drill a really small hole in the center of the bottom. Cover the hole with Scotch Tape. Fill the glass with about 1/2 inch of water. Stick in freezer. Once the water is frozen remove the tape and leave the glasses in the freezer. When an in-law asks for something cold to drink fill one of these glasses up and give it to them. The cup will hold liquid just fine until the 1/2 inch of ice and the ice plug melts then the glass starts leaking (usually on the person drinking from it). Act annoyed when you discover the mess and make a comment somthing like they need to learn how to drink from a glass without spilling everything like a child. Ignore the hole in the glass or look at them suspiciously and then point out that when YOU poured the drink there was no hole in the glass and in the future if they wish to be welcome they need not damage your glasses and try to blame it on an "accident".

(2) THE TOILET THAT FIGHTS BACK.
Go to your toilets and lift the lid on the back. ON many toilets there is a small rubber tube (about an 1/8 inch) running from the float stem (where the water comes in) and it runs to the center of the toilet tank and is usually clipped to a small plastic tube about an inch in diameter. Unclip the rubber tube from the plastic tube in the center of the toilet. Make sure it is still connected to the Float Stem. Now take the rubber tube and bend it towards the front of the toilet. Rest it on the edge of the lid pointing out towards the seat. Hold it there and gently put the tank lid back on. adjust the tube so it is not sticking out but is hidden by the shadow of the tank lid.

Now the toilet is prepped. All you have to do is wait. Instruct your wife on this joke so if either of you have to use the restroom you can put the small rubber tube back on the clip until you are finished then reprep the toilet.

What will happen is when the toilet is flushed water will spray out of the small rubber tube (usually soaking the front or face of the person flushing it) it will continue to spray water until the tank is full. When your in-laws are sprayed claim there are ghosts in the house and the toilets have a tendancy to fight back unless you leave a dollar on the tank lid.

(3) TIME WARP
Go throughout the house when they are visiting and start putting the clocks ahead by a little bit. Keep doing this the whole time they are visiting. This will screw them up and help increase any Jet Lag which will make them sleep more and talk less. If you are caught doing this with a serious face tell them you are fast forwarding through your life and skipping over the boring parts.

(4) EEWWWWW
Put a coating of vaseline on all the toilet lids, handles, and on all the door knobs throughout the house. Every so often refresh the coating so none is every completely gone.

(5) GIMP
Have your wife wear a Gag Ball around the house while they are visiting. Also have her look very scared and skittish. Clip a handcuff to one arm and always tsk tsk tsk your wife while in their presence for no reason. ALways speak in monotone and twitch your neck every so often.

Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 5:03 pm
by vic-k
Why do I get get the feeling that you`d be a bigger burden, than all my in laws lumped together? :shock:

Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 5:14 pm
by Jaysen
vic-k wrote:Why do I get get the feeling that you`d be a bigger burden, than all my in laws lumped together? :shock:

are you saying he is a fat pigeon?

Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 6:19 pm
by Vermonter17032
If you have a dog, one way to get unwanted guests to leave is that after dinner put the plates on the floor and let the dog lick them clean... then stick them back in the cupboard without further cleaning. Works like a charm!

Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 6:28 pm
by Wock
Vermonter17032 wrote:If you have a dog, one way to get unwanted guests to leave is that after dinner put the plates on the floor and let the dog lick them clean... then stick them back in the cupboard without further cleaning. Works like a charm!


Oh I like this. :-)



Vic-k.

BIGGER BURDEN?

(Gasp)

I would coax you into full submission with some laced absinthe and a nice cuban cigar.

All three legged dogs like their liquor and illegal stogies.


Then I would roost and claim your kitchen as my Coop.

:-P

Re: The New American Dollar

Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 11:03 pm
by vic-k
Vermonter17032 wrote:If you have a dog, one way to get unwanted guests to leave is that after dinner put the plates on the floor and let the dog lick them clean... then stick them back in the cupboard without further cleaning. Works like a charm!


I haven`t got a dog, but I could soak them with my two week worn underpants in the same sink. Yeah!! I like the sound of that!!
Thanks for the inspiration Verm :wink:
Vic