All Macs come with FREE PSYCHOTHERAPIST!

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Wock
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Thu Feb 07, 2008 10:32 pm Post

Or a day in in the life of the deep south.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NhpkoRe ... re=related


:twisted:
The wheel is turning but the hamster is still dead.

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vic-k
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Fri Feb 08, 2008 1:20 am Post

Meddlers!!
See the Lord of Misrule at work! :evil:

The Pigeon becomes more deranged by the second! :x

A strange three legged mutt, attired as a pirate, sits up against the bundle of rags, that cover the fool.

The proliferation of negativity surrounding Leopard, shows no sign of abatement.

Scrivener`s going `sooooo sssslooow`

Computers mysteriously switch themselves on during the early hours. Belting out Motley Crue: Girls Girls Girls (live) at max volume. On it goes ad infinitum...hee..hee...hee!

:twisted:
EDITED BY FLUFF
Last edited by vic-k on Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:19 pm, edited 3 times in total.
As a professional, you, are your one and only asset. Without integrity you are worthless, but with it, you are priceless.

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em
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Sat Feb 09, 2008 5:42 am Post

This should be used for the wish list forum. :)

I want XYZ.

Do you really want XYZ?

Yes.

I see. Do you think you really want it?

Yes?

Are you sure?

I guess I can work around it.

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vic-k
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Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:38 pm Post

My merry band of messing no hopers, as you are aware, or should be: with the aid of the Recollection Playback Device, we are reliving and sensing events, exactly as the foolish eunuch lived them, as he prepared to confront Psycho, on Psycho`s own ground.

See there! He`s staring, all but mesmerised by the words Code:emacs Code: doctor contained in the vulture`s instructions, on iMac`s screen. His senses, now being bludgeoned remorselessly by the mind numbing complexity and incomprehensibility, of numerous examples of gobbledygookish: do`s and dont`s; app folders; press this/press that; ESC.

Ahh! ESC!! Somewhere in the maelstrom of fear, doubt, indecision and confusion, a tiny window of calm and hope, opens up as his eyes scan the abbreviation for Escape. It`s there in black and white!! So it must be possible!! Hee! hee! hee! The eunuch just doesn`t realise..there can be no escape from this mire, that the lunatic Wock has dropped you all in...none...hee! hee!

Struggling with every ounce of his being, to keep at bay the ever present threat of premortem rigour mortise, he copy and pastes the maniac fowl`s instructions (his route map) into TextEdit, and hits Print.

As his gallant little 9yr old Epson Photo Stylus, clatters into life, he closes his eyes; breathes deeply; leans back in his chair and strives to banish any negative thoughts of his impending mission failing. He!..he!..he!

See meddlers, how he`s listening as his little Epson, clatters and swishes clatters and swishes its way through printing his route map, then silence.

Now watch!...hee!..hee! He`s opening his eyes, and reaching for the sheet of paper, upon which he`s expecting to see the turkey`s instructions printed. He looks at the sheet and..premortem rigour mortise is instantaneous.

The fool has just listened, to his printer, for what seemed like aeons, actually `printing`, and yet, all he sees on the page, is:






Code:
emacs









Code:
doctor
This time, as you can see, the pseudo rigour mortise lasts for over three and a half minutes, before he starts to recover. Now!! Watch…watch!! Once fully reoriented, the true significance of what he`s gazing at on the sheet gradually dawns on the fool. Sensing Psycho`s hand at work here, he screams, “Arrrghh!! Wassat!”, jumps up, knocking his chair over in the process, which in turn, frightens the cat half to death, as it sleeps on the window ledge. Frightened and confused, the beast tries to jump through the window, which is closed…obviously..hee!..hee!..hee! Adding a glorious sense of farce, to the…er… farce.

We`ll have to fast forward the Recollection Playback Device, at this stage, since nothing much happens for the next half hour, except a lot of white noise, generated by what passes for the fool`s thought processes, as he stands in the corner of the room, trying to make some sense of recent events, whilst staring fixedly at the the sheet of paper lying on the floor

Alexandria!! Put the dog down! Stop letting it lick your face. You`ll end up full of spots. I don`t care if it has only got three legs…put…it…down! I expect you do know where dogs stick their snouts when they meet other dogs…or do you….
Last edited by vic-k on Wed Apr 02, 2008 3:16 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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vic-k
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Tue Feb 12, 2008 1:32 am Post

Followers of the Winged One, see how the attempt by our hero, the foolish eunuch, to keep his focus of attention…er…focused, has resulted in a firm conviction, that Psycho had issued a challenge to him, from deep within the innards of Tiger

You can sense him, franticly searching for any excuse not to have to take up Psyco`s challenge, such as a forgotten dental or doctor`s appointment; library books that were due to be returned; cat`s run out of cat food. Stocks urgently in need of replenishing, wife needs assistance with colouring her grey roots; compost heap needs turning over, of course he fails. None of these possible cop outs carried a shred of legitimacy, each one, as spurious as its predecessor. This fait accompli, leaves him with no alternative, but to concede failure, and accept Psycho`s challenge.

See him moving hesitantly to his chair, he uprights it and sits, once again before iMac; watched by the cat, from a safer vantage point on top of the piano.

See meddlers, the deep breathing charade, as if he were Rambo, psyching himself up to confront a hundred Viet Cong guerrillas.

Deliberately avoiding looking at the sheet of paper, lying at his feet on the floor, he once again clicks on Print.

The cat makes the first of a series of retchings before she ultimately depositing a sizeable furball on to the highly polished piano top..hee!.he!!.
:twisted:

EDITED BY FLUFF
Last edited by vic-k on Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:07 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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vic-k
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Wed Feb 13, 2008 1:29 am Post

With the cats first retch, Epson bursts defiantly into life, as if they were synched and connected wirelessly. Clatter…clatter..clatter..swish…clatter..swish..clatter..clatter, swiiiish….and on it goes.

Now my dabbling morons, Rambo sits, once again, with eyes closed, whilst listening intently to the sound of Epson going about its allotted task: printing and printing and printing and printing….and p…. And then whirrrrr….silence.

The cat, now sitting at the opposit e end of the piano lid, from the fur-ball and its attendant patch of slime, must have found the sudden silence oppressive. As if sensing some impending disturbance to its immediate environs, not dissimilar to the previous one, she jumps down onto the lower of the keyboard`s octaves, and plink plonks her way to a higher pitched crescendo, before jumping down and leaving the room. All of which goes unnoticed by Rambo the foolish eunuch.

As if it could possibly make the slightest difference, the moron is sitting with his eyes, almost, closed, but facing iMac`s screen, squinting downward out of the corner of his eyes, at the sheet of paper, lying in Epson`s tray. He believes he`s fooling Psycho into thinking he`s not that bothered. Like hell he`s not! Then…suddenly abandoning all pretence, he opens his eyes and picks up the sheet of paper.

No rigour mortise this time; just the words, “There`s something terribly terribly wrong here.” As the images on the paper drift out of focus, he starts to withdraw within himself. The sheet of paper slips from his grasp and floats down to the floor. A sea of white paper, with just two tiny islands of black and green print. Despite all of Epson`s gallant efforts, once again, all the sheet contained was:



Code:
emacs









Code:
doctor




:twisted:
See my meddling friends, what you`ve accomplished….he!…he!..heee!!
Last edited by vic-k on Wed Feb 27, 2008 5:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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vic-k
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Wed Feb 13, 2008 11:52 pm Post

See there! My meddlesome monkeys. The fool is functioning purely on auto-pilot. Thoughts and actions occur as if preordained and require no conscious effort on his part.

The Recollection Playback device, doesn`t perform as well when the eunuch`s in auto pilot mode; it`s an old analogue machine, not the latest plasma HD kit.

Tis an odious and distasteful workaround, but I will sync my mind with the thing in the corner, and put my finger in the Video In socket, that should do the trick.

Mere de Lucifer! look..the fool is watching Mickey Mouse.. in the Sorcerer`s Apprentice, from Fantasia. In his head! That`s clever of him. Now why would that be, my meddling misfits...why would.. Hello..hello! now he`s looking at his stack of manuals. Well!... Will you just look at that... he`s imagining all the manuals are floating in the air and flopping down with their pages open, one on top of the other, on his desk, right in front of him. Strange...verrry strange. But wait...ah!..now I see.

`twould appear we have a minor problem. His subconscious isn`t buying into his paranoia, it`s looking for rational reasons, and rejecting or resisting the Psycho scenario. Tch!.tch!..tch!

:evil:
Last edited by vic-k on Wed Feb 27, 2008 5:25 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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vic-k
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Fri Feb 15, 2008 1:56 am Post

Bear with me, my tempters of fate, while I re-establish a good connection with the fool. There we are…..I do believe he`s now stood in the kitchen…yes…see, he`s staring at the cat sitting on the window sill. The cat is staring back at him, with what appears to be the most reproving of looks on her face. Fully in control once more, the fool is asking pleadingly of the creature, “What?” Before lowering her gaze a little, she`s answered him with a barely perceptible movement of her lower jaw, and almost inaudible and indistinguishable tale end of a meow.

Following the trajectory of her stare, he`s looks down at the two finger of Jameson in a crystal whiskey glass, clasped in his left hand and a bottle of spring water in his right. The label on the bottle of spring water has caught his eye. It has all the hallmarks of being put together by an 8yr old, using the earliest version of Clarisworks, and printed off in the kids bedroom using equally primitive technology.

His wife; my meddling chums; not many days before, had stumbled upon a branch of the latest East European cut price supermarket chain seeking some purchase on the affections of the British buying public. Reputed by the Business Section of the Guardian, to be extremely down market from Walmarts, its headquarters are in Chetchnia.

The fool is intrigued by the label. Claiming to be bottled from the purest melt waters of a certain glacier, high in the Mongolian Andes, it leaves him slightly more befuddled than usual. Under the impression that the water could be bottled by some guy called Mongolian Andy, he re-reads the label. No …see there…Mongolian Andes.
“Jeeezz!” he says, “Any fool knows the Andes are in New Zealand. £3 a bottle, what a rip off!!” He`s not drinking that, it wouldn`t surprise him if it was full of yak pats and piss.

Now he`s looking over at the cat, expecting to see a look of approval on her face this time. But no! Still the look of censure. The cat lowers her gaze again and he does likewise. Then he twigs it. Looking into the glass at the two fingers of Jameson, it dawns on him that its gonna take more than just two fingers of Jameson if he is to confront Psycho and win….he sloshes in another two fingers and heads back to the Writer`s Room.
Last edited by vic-k on Wed Feb 27, 2008 5:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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vic-k
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Sat Feb 16, 2008 12:23 am Post

Here we go again. Rambo`s sat in front of iMac doing his deep breathing again. The cat..? She`s sat on his desk, just to the right of iMac. When he stops acting the idiot, with the deep breathing nonsense, he opens his eyes, and he and the cat make eye contact. “What we gonna do Fluff? Something`s wrong `ere.” The cat appears to understanding his every word. She`s turned her head and is peering over the edge of the desk at the two pieces of paper lying at his feet.

Reaching down, he`s retrieved the twin enigmas, and is holding one in each hand studying them…not that there is much on them to tax even his brain, just four words…but!!..Two of those words are mumbojumboesque jargonese: “CODE.” “Look Fluff…look look!” He`s turned them towards the cat, pointing as he does, to the offending text. The cat appears to be subjecting the pages to a period of intense scrutiny, before once again looking over the edge of the desk, only this time she is looking directly at the shredder. “I can`t shred `em , they`re evidence!!” The cat`s tilting her head to the right, whilst alternating her gaze twixt him and the text, as if assessing his statement for logic, or lack of it.
He thinks he`s sensing her disquiet at his reluctance to shred. “What`s code Fluff?…. It`s what they use when they don`t want y` t` know what they`re doing, isn`t it? Fluff`s shuffling her arse around a bit, making herself more comfortable, but he sees it as affirmation of her approval of his actions…or lack of `em. “Somethings happened since that feckin winged wisearse started screwing things up, getting all those weirdos talking to Psycho! These papers should be covered in soddin` writin`, but there`s nothin` on `em!”

“Something nasty is controlling the printer, Fluff…I just know it.”

If he really knew what was happening, my messing midgets, he wouldn`t be sat there talking to a cat..he!..he!..he!
:twisted:
Last edited by vic-k on Wed Feb 27, 2008 5:07 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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vic-k
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Sun Feb 17, 2008 8:47 pm Post

Something untoward is afoot! I sense unfamiliar vibrations in the ether. Battle will be joined, I fear, between The Lord of Misrule and forces that at this very moment are being marshalled against and arrayed before Him... hee...hee!..that should be fun.

"But what brought about the fools total withdrawal from reality?" I hear voices murmuring. The answer has to be worth a giggle or two!

I shall, however, dispense with the services of this brontosaurus of ancient technology; the Magic Lantern like, Recollection Playback Device, and switch to, DSMM Digital Shared Memory Mode, and relate to you, in chronological order of occurrence, events as they unfurled. Did you notice how I threw in a soupçonne of tautological buffoonery there. I am capable of it (believe it or not), but I indulge reluctantly. Innocuous indulgences, such as simple inoffensive buffoonery, displaces the opportunity to indulge in more, satisfying whimsy, such as: coruscating, but excoriative satirical put downs, or perhaps, eviscerating petty sarcasm. Then there`s the almost hallucinationary, psychedelia inducing contemplation, of a sensuous, long lasting, gentle nibble, of the rhythmically quickening, pulsating jugular of a coquettish woman.

What in Hades am I waffling* on about..tch!...tch! Off-topicking is such a dastardly abomination. Don`t you just adore it!

Our Hero..hee!...hee!..hero...tch!...tch! Mere de Lu...was talking to the cat, last we heard of him. If I have my way the mousehound has a date with the Hounds of Hell!!

I hate doing this digital memory sharing stuff…it`s yuurrck!! Let`s get it over with. :evil:

*Portlanderish

:twisted:
Last edited by vic-k on Fri Feb 22, 2008 1:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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vic-k
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Mon Feb 18, 2008 1:22 am Post

The fool laid the two papers sided by side on the desk in front of him, and risking snow blindness from the UV rays of the sunlight streaming in through the window being reflected back at him, from the great expanse of pure white spread before, him stared at one and then the other. He repeated the exercise over and over again, until eventually his eye closed. He wasn`t asleep, just in a state of, `wind down`, which was a common enough state for him to be in.

He was aroused from this state by something prodding his cheek. He opened his eyes. Fluff was sat on one of the papers, directly in front of him. Her right paw, was no more than an inch away from his face. He smiled a shallow smile and then combining it with a yawn he asked, “Warrisit?” She stood, and lowering her head to the paper, once again, as she moved slowly over the sheets, she seemed to be scrutinising the all but blank papers.

Appearing to be satisfied with the outcome of her endeavour, she sat once again on one of the papers in front of him. She glared at him with big wide open eyes, the way she does when she`s locked outside the patio doors and wants to come in, but nobody is taking any notice of her. Taken aback by the unwarranted hostility in her stare, he asked, “What`s the matter?” Having got his attention, her expression softened. She looked down at the paper and then back at him…three times, before tapping the paper with her left paw.

Fluff was telling him something about the papers, but, he hadn`t a clue as to what. Taking off his spectacles, he held them up to the daylight to check for smudges. “Jeezz!” he said. There were enough finger prints on his glasses for him to be able to offer the FBI`s Fingerprint Identification Records System a cross referencing data base.

Having cleaned his specs, he held up on of the sheets of paper, but out of direct sunlight, and studied it afresh. The sudden realisation of what was before him, was like a slap in the face with a wet dishcloth. It made his blood run cold. The rest of the text was there all right but it was the colour of the faintest, palest of shadows on a miserable, dull, overcast day. A shudder wracked his body.

He laid the sheet of paper on the desk. Fluff reached out a paw and touched his hand.
Last edited by vic-k on Wed Feb 27, 2008 5:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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vic-k
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Mon Feb 18, 2008 9:18 pm Post

In those heady days of yore (this time last year), when OS9 and Appleworks more than adequately met all of his printing requirements; any minor malfunction of the printer was rectified, and the checking of ink levels etc. facilitated, by the simple expedient of opening of OS9`s Print Window, and clicking on one or more of the aesthetically pleasing icons, contained within the embrace of their well appointed geometric domicile.

Then, along came OSX and Tiger! WOW! Just look at that! It`ll print consecutive or odd numbers or even numbers, and it`ll do it for him, arse about face, so he can pick up the stack of printed pages, slam them back in the printer and have it print the reverse side of the page. He ends up with stack of printed material where the pages are numbered, beginning with the first sheet: 1/2 3/4 5/6.etc. Brilliant! Except that is, for the not, too rare occasions, when it decides ( for reasons best known only to those who`s first language seems to be machine code), to print consecutively for a couple of pages, during odd or even print runs.

The number and combination of f**k ups, that Tiger`s print window will permit him to make, if he hasn`t got his wits about him (which is most of the time), is quit extensive.

Tiger`s print window, will not however, allow him to administer to the physical needs of the actual printer itself i.e. Realign print heads or clean them; check ink levels and so on and so forth. No. for this, Tiger provides him with a tatty little Printer Setup Utility, which, after only a few weeks into their relationship, decided to pull a `Lisistrata` like stunt and deny him access to any of its charms, by greying out all the options it has to offer, save for one. He can, if he so chooses `add a printer`. This option fills him with a sense of well being. Should printing become so problematic, that he snaps and lobs the printer through the window, he has the facility to hand for installing another one.

The Mac, Printer Setup Utility Help, is a work of genius. It answers all the question he`s never asked, but none of the very few simple ones, he has.

Le D:twisted:
Last edited by vic-k on Fri Feb 22, 2008 1:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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vic-k
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Tue Feb 19, 2008 12:22 am Post

“It`s not the ink Fluff. It can`t be, cos it`s printing that code emacs crap isn`it?” He looked over at the printer. It was like looking into the face of a very close friend, whom you`d just discovered engaged in an act of gross betrayal.

Usually, in situations like this his brain would stop processing the incoming data and throw itself into information overload mode, and shut itself down..and him with it. But this time, something in his inner core compelled it to persevere. It was a dangerous and foolhardy course of action to embark upon, too doggedly. The ultimate consequences could be dire. The shutdown mode was a saftey device, born of necessity, in the interest of self preservation.

“It`s that feckin winged wizard Wock… what`s caused all this shit, Fluff, you mark my words! Him and that soddin` Psycho are in this t`gether! And another thing Fluff!. All this crap is right up the Director`s street, so don`t be too surprised to see his hand in it all, somewhere.”

Fluff stood up and asked him, “Did you get any cat food?”
“Yeah, a big bag of it. Why, are you hungry?”
“Ravenous!” she replied, as she jumped down from the desk and toddled off, out of the room. Picking up his untouched glass of Jameson, he took a swig, stood up, picked up the papers and followed her into the kitchen.

Pulling the new bag of cat food from the cupboard. He plonked it down on the kitchen work top, next to where Fluff was sat. He looked around the floor for her dish, but couldn`t see it. He pulled a Wedgwood bowl from one of the wall units, and poured cat food into it. Fluff looked at the bowl of food, before looking up at him. “She`s not going to like you using that for my food.” He just about managed a laugh, “She wont know…she`s in Ireland.”
“Oh yeah, I forgot.”
Last edited by vic-k on Wed Feb 27, 2008 5:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Tue Feb 19, 2008 2:19 pm Post

Deciding to deploy every weapon in his arsenal of WPs other than TextEdit, he pasted the Devil`s doings into Bean and then Appleworks. The results were identical to TE`s. He then opened a New Project in Scriv and pasted it into it and hit Print Current Document. He and Fluff sat and watched as poor old Epson tried its damnedest to please its Master.

“Ah ah!” Fluff said as she leant closer to Epson`s tray, “Curiouser and curiouser!… in Scrivener we trust! Well done Epson! Well done.” Epson gave a short spurt of, “Whirr and whine”, in appreciation of Fluff`s compliment. It meant a lot to it, in these trying times. As he removed the sheet of paper from Epson`s tray, he muttered, “Yeah, well done Ep”
“Whirr..whine”
“Sorry I doubted y`.”
“Whirrrr…whirr..whine”
Placing the sheet of paper on the desk before him, he closed his eyes and inhaled several deep lungs full of fresh air. When he opened his eyes again, Fluff had swivelled a hundred and eighty degrees on her arse, and was now sat looking down at the paper. “Vic…you do realise, that someone, something or both, don`t want you to have this route map. They know you`d be useless without it.” He nodded his agreement, whilst inwardly fighting to ignore and suppress the insidious spread of tentacles of despair. He was beginning to realise and fear, that his resolve, possessed all the mechanical properties of a piece brittle, paper thin filo pastry.

Fluff stretched herself out along the desk top, resting her front paws and chin across the back of the wrist of the left hand that held the route map. ”Scriv`s signed it”, she said, looking up at him, “Seems like Scriv`s with us.” Again he nodded his agreement…managing a faint sad smile this time as well.

The result of Epson and Scriv`s collaboration, had produced a much more reader friendly document. Apart from the Psycho spawned code/code/emacs/doctor, it also contained the rest of the Psycho disciple, Wock`s original instruction. This time however, instead of being all but invisible, it was a clearly legible, optima 13pt in mid grey. Good old Scrivener, had come up trumps and delivered the goods. Scriv had also added its signature… an inch high Scriv icon shoulder to shoulder with an inch diameter winking emoticon.

:evil:
Mere De! ..This narrating nonsense is really demanding and tiring. I feel the need of a triple dollop of the lovely Evil Absinthe and Laudanum potion. This saga is proving a tad longer than I originally envisaged. That Wock is in need of 1lb of Sage and Onion Stuffing, inserting where it ….
Last edited by vic-k on Wed Feb 27, 2008 4:58 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Tue Feb 19, 2008 2:36 pm Post

Mere De Lucifer!!!

This narrating nonsense is really demanding and tiring. I feel the need of a triple dollop of the lovely Evil Absinthe and Laudanum potion. This saga is proving a tad longer than I originally envisaged. That Wock is in need of 1lb of Sage and Onion Stuffing, inserting where it ...

Le Directeur :evil:
Last edited by vic-k on Fri Feb 22, 2008 12:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
As a professional, you, are your one and only asset. Without integrity you are worthless, but with it, you are priceless.