since this one has been brought back up, and i have a rare pocket with a little more time, i thought i,d expand on my earlier comment.
i really like the way you use the passage - which seems to be about the lady - to tell us things indirectly about the investigator - it,s his observations and ability to read her that speak to his experience and insight.
i do have a couple of notes you might find helpful.
He would have known that she came from money even if her name had not been entered on his appointment calendar.
a sentence like this demands a certain following structure. namely...
- why it,s obvious that she came from money, then
- her name and why that name screams money.
i,ll assume that the very next sentence after your passage says what her name is and the one after that explains why that name equals money, and focus here on the ,why it,s obvious
, part that you,ve uploaded.
the ,which even now was simply and discreetly lettered: Personal Investigations.
, doesn,t quite work. firstly, it interupts the structure the first sentence demands. secondly, why ,even now
,? thirdly, avoid using more than one adjective (simply and discreetly
be careful with your description of the lady. anything you put here (before you get to her name) absolutely has to explain why it,s obvious - to an experienced private eye at least - that she has cash. unfortunately, that,s not always the case with what you,ve written. tall and erect? nope. moving with accuracy? goes to her focus and intent, but without some other explanation it doesn,t illustrate wealth. you need to either contextualise and contrast with how every other poor working stiff comes into the office, or explain something like she holds herself with the confidence that only comes from a long time spent in expensive schools. now i know you have put the contast in later, but given that that is 50 words after otherwise unconnected facts you,ve already got me disagreeing. given the hard-boiled style you,re going for that,s too long. consider switching it round to the contrast first and then why she differs.
also, the long list of qualities for the normal visitor doesn,t work for me. try painting the picture in a different way to make it sound less journalistic or technical. something like...
When a working man walks into a PI's office he looks broken. His shoulders stoop with whatever weight he's been carrying, and his eyes betray the tired desperation of a guy down to his last roll of the dice.