bustinloose82 wrote:Beads of rain congregate around the tiny fissure inside the ruptured roof of room 316. It’s only a small crack, but enough for the parade of droplets to descend upon the wall. The white walls still glisten from the paint job, which must have been completed a few hours earlier. My hands tremble, and tired eyes glare as water and pastel mingle.
this one is quite difficult to judge without a bit more context - whether provided by the next couple of paragraphs or from more infomation about the genre, book title etc.
in any case, as it is it feels to me like quite a soft open. the environment being described is supposed to be quite harsh, but the description of it is quite relaxed and poetic, using words like glisten, tremble, and mingle.
i also think that the ordering of sentences / observations might need some thought. this is being told as a first person narratve, which means that we can reasonably expect the observations to be in the order the character notices them or attaches importance to them. in which case, the beads around a fissure would probably come after larger observations.
i'm also not sure that starting a book with a description of location is the best lead-in. better to start with some sort of action, or at least with the character's reaction to the location. eg,
my first thought was that this was a miserable place for someone to have to die.
all pretty presumptuous without more context / genre, i know.
better still, go with something that tells you up front what kind of story you are telling. eg, lee child,s excellent book ,gone tomorrow, begins...
Lee Child wrote:Suicide bombers are easy to spot. They give out all kinds of tell-tale signs. Mostly because they are nervous. By definition they're all first timers.
not much room for doubt about what you are in for there.