How many fiction writers do we have here?

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KillerDragon
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Mon Jun 06, 2011 4:00 pm Post

Here's my shot at this.

It is a dark clear night just before the moons come up; the stars shining brightly in the clear night sky.

Its a work in progress and my first time trying to write a novel.

JA
JACummings
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Location: Michigan, United States
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Sat Jun 18, 2011 1:33 pm Post

The first line from my novel/WIP The Light at the End of the World:

"It was in the ninth month of his twenty-first year when Alexander’s mother came to him in his bedroom, waking him with a light touch between his shoulder blades."

ro
robertel
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Thu Jul 21, 2011 11:11 am Post

Well, and here are mine first lines...written in Dutch..and translated. I wrote this complete novel in nov.2010 and since then I'm editing.

Ballonnendag
Daar waar de aanraking van de verbeelding
de vingers van de zee in witte klodders schuim drapeert
als witte handschoenen die zich tevergeefs
aan het oplopend strand proberen vast te klampen.

ballooning day

There where the touch of imagination
drapes the fingers of sea's white globs of foam
in white gloves in vain trying to get hold of
the ascending beach

These are the first words.

Greetings

Artellus

da
darkgoddessnight
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Joined: Tue Aug 16, 2011 6:39 pm
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Wed Aug 17, 2011 12:38 pm Post

Kayla Morgan desperately needed to pee.

Hmm. That doesn't sound very interesting without the next two lines for context so...I'll go ahead and post the rest of that paragraph.

That wouldn't have been such a big issue if she'd been anywhere near civilization. Problem was, the only thing she'd seen in the past hour that remotely resembled civilization was a decrepit looking gas station with a hand written gone fishin' sign hanging in the window.

From Big Bad Karma, a paranormal romance novel I've been working on since the beginning of the year and am nowhere near finishing.

DGN aka Kimberly Tennyson

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pigfender
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Wed Aug 17, 2011 12:58 pm Post

Kimberly Tennyson wrote:Kayla Morgan desperately needed to pee. That wouldn't have been such a big issue if she'd been anywhere near civilization. Problem was, the only thing she'd seen in the past hour that remotely resembled civilization was a decrepit looking gas station with a hand written gone fishin' sign hanging in the window.


DAVE: "If she's nowhere near civilisation then surely it's an easy problem to solve?"
JOHN: "Actually, it is a problem. And don't call me 'Shirley'."
<Dave reaches for his axe>
DAVE: "Don't call me Ashley."
http://www.pigfender.com | http://www.novelinaday.com
"Some dice only have sixes." nom, 19 Oct 2013
Image Image

da
darkgoddessnight
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Wed Aug 17, 2011 1:16 pm Post

Heh. I'll need to post the entire first chapter, I think.

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spauthor
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Wed Mar 21, 2012 8:59 pm Post

Mine isn't exactly the most captivating first few lines. It's from my current novel "Flight of the Raven".

"The night was cold, and harsh as it rolled in over Splendopolis. At the famed Splendopolis Palazzo, a new out building had been erected; it was a much larger tactical planning hall. Gathered in the room were at least thirty people of different race and age. A well seasoned Wizard of six and a half feet tall with powdery white hair stood in the front by a blackboard at the time."

A little of this, such as the location of Splendopolis (in the heartlands of the Adrie Federation, between the two landlocked seas), is explained in the first two novels I wrote "The Underground Empire" and "Riders on the Storm". If anyone is wishing to know a little more you can find my email on my blog at http://drewgaeta.blogspot.com/

Le
LeeSalter999
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Fri Mar 23, 2012 12:00 am Post

Here's mine, for what it's worth:

Jane Morrison thought that life could not get any better until the day that Blade, her German Shepherd dog, dropped a severed, slightly decomposed human arm at her feet.
You're gonna need a bigger boat.

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Floss
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Location: london, england

Wed Mar 28, 2012 9:54 am Post

LeeSalter999 wrote:Jane Morrison thought that life could not get any better until the day that Blade, her German Shepherd dog, dropped a severed, slightly decomposed human arm at her feet.


doesn,t quite work... it sort of implies that the severed arm made her life even better than she previously thought possible. which may, of course, be the direction you are going in...
i am happy to give feedback on short passages.

be warned, though. my feedback can be blunt... always well intentioned and aimed at helping you improve, but possibly more honest than you are used to.

as such, i will only chip in if directly invited.

Le
LeeSalter999
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Wed Mar 28, 2012 11:04 am Post

Floss wrote:doesn,t quite work... it sort of implies that the severed arm made her life even better than she previously thought possible. which may, of course, be the direction you are going in...


lol! Now that I've re-read it, you're absolutely correct! This'll all come out in the edit! Hopefully. :-)
You're gonna need a bigger boat.

Ah
Ahab
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Wed Mar 28, 2012 12:32 pm Post

And speaking strictly from the editorial desk, you might want to strike "dog," because that's implied by German Shepherd, and "severed," because if the dog's bringing it to her that's evident; otherwise you'd mention the body the dog dragged along. And you might replace "slightly decomposed human" with "decomposing arm", human implied by "arm," and "decomposing" indicating the process of decomposition in fewer words.

And of course Floss, with he/she/it's typically eagle eye, caught Jane's confusion over whether she was ironically happy to see a severed human arm (as in, wot's next, a tax audit?), or culinarily anticipatory, as in How To Serve Man.

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Floss
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Wed Mar 28, 2012 1:34 pm Post

Ahab wrote:And of course Floss, with he/she/it's typically eagle eye

since the operation i,m not really sure myself
i am happy to give feedback on short passages.

be warned, though. my feedback can be blunt... always well intentioned and aimed at helping you improve, but possibly more honest than you are used to.

as such, i will only chip in if directly invited.

Sa
SarahStegall
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Wed Mar 28, 2012 7:54 pm Post

First line of current work in progress, "Heart of the Nile":

Her first hint of trouble was the sudden silence.

First line of my young adult science fiction novel, "Farside":

"Hey, Kaho, you gonna wait until Earthset? We're getting thirsty out here!"

First line of my paranormal detective mystery, "Deadfall":

I wasn’t supposed to be in that room, but then neither was the corpse.

The latter two are available as ebooks, "Farside" also as trade paperback. I wrote them in Writer's Cafe, but am switching to Scrivener for the current novel.

na
naquada
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Wed Mar 28, 2012 9:58 pm Post

Its early on... but....

History had one major disadvantage, it was old. Not that old wasn’t good, it was more the fact that being old, things aren’t quite so clear. It’s like when grandma gets to that certain age when things aren’t quite recalled as clearly as they once were. Its those moments when she tends to forget who you are, why you’re coming to see her, and why you seem bothered that a total stranger cannot remember your name, after all, what are you expecting her to be, some sort of mind reader? Turning up at the home of an old lady and expecting her to guess your name like you were her son or something. History is, the slam of the door of a lady that quite clearly doesn’t know you, and better still doesn’t want you on her doorstep playing some guessing game of ‘what’s my name grandma. History, quite often forgot, got a bit confused and wet itself in it’s old age..


:roll:
Associate of The Inner Magic Circle

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Sin
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Sun Apr 22, 2012 9:37 pm Post

naquada: There are some grammatical issues in the paragraph. For example, the first two sentences contain comma splices. Also, be careful about "its" and "it's", such as in "Its those moments..." and "...it's old age".

I notice you use the word "quite" a lot. Truthfully, it's a meaningless modifier. It's one of those words we don't realize we are using. Scan your manuscript and see how often "quite" appears.

Unless the story will transition into a scene on grandma's front door step, I would recommend summarizing the metaphor a little. Otherwise, it may get a little confusing, no pun intended.

The text in red is what I would recommend omitting. These are all just suggestions. Take 'em or leave 'em.

naquada wrote:
History had one major disadvantage: it was old. Not that old wasn’t good, it was more the fact that being old, things aren’t quite so clear. It’s like when grandma gets to that certain age when things aren’t quite recalled as clearly as they once were. Its those moments when she tends to forget who you are, why you’re coming to see her, and why you seem bothered that a total stranger cannot remember your name. after all, what are you expecting her to be, some sort of mind reader? Turning up at the home of an old lady and expecting her to guess your name like you were her son or something. History is, the slam of the door of a lady that quite clearly doesn’t know you, and better still doesn’t want you on her doorstep playing some guessing game of ‘what’s my name grandma. History, quite often forgot, got a bit confused and wet itself in its old age..



Here's the first line of a current short story I'm working on:


The neighborhood on Burke Street was the product of someone else’s American dream.