Space Sketch Episode V: Drunk on Dreams of the Moon

kl
klcorridon
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Mon Nov 24, 2014 4:55 am Post

https://youtu.be/STmE0ROOQt4

CHARACTERS

LIEUTENANT REDSHIRT Navigator/Cannon Fodder, and Member of Clan Redshirt.

QUEEN OF THE EFFIN' UNIVERSE She is, and is also known by many names.

SETTING

An inhospitable, uninhabited planet somewhere on the fringes of the Galaxy.

TIME

Late afternoon.

ACT I
Scene 1 The wreck of the Zephyr II. Now.


ACT [1]
SCENE [1]
(Instrument panels are set up on table near timer. Lieutenant Redshirt is working on them as soundtrack starts.)

(Enter Queen Avarel. She takes time to survey the scene.)

REDSHIRT
Shuttlecraft Zephyr II to Intrepid, Zephyr II to Intrepid. Declaring Mayday. Request immediate assistance. Hull breached, water rising,
(Coughs.)
And the air is bad. Reserve O2 low, mayday. Mayday, all ships.

(Talking to himself now.)
Oh, man, this is bad.

(Redshirt tries to recline. He raises a finger as though pressing a button.)
Personal log: I really, really should have called her...
(He begins to lose consciousness again.)

QUEEN
Get up, Redshirt! You do not die this day!

REDSHIRT
(Weakly.)
Don't wanna...

QUEEN
Don't be stupid. Get up!

REDSHIRT
Why?

QUEEN
You're no use to me dead!

REDSHIRT
Who are you,
(Coughs again.)
Queen of the Effin' Universe?

QUEEN
(Can't stop herself from laughing.)
Well, actually...

REDSHIRT
(Sits up.)
So I am dead. I was pretty sure of that.

QUEEN
Come. Forth.

REDSHIRT
(Stands up.)
All right, all right! Man, death is dull.

QUEEN
You're not dead. We're just between moments right now.

REDSHIRT
If I'm not dead, why can I see myself over there?

QUEEN
Well, it's a 'yes and no' thing.

REDSHIRT
You say that a lot, don't you?

QUEEN
(Sadly.)
Yes, and--

REDSHIRT
(Holds up a hand to stop her.)
And no. I get that. What do you want?

QUEEN
I have a proposition for you.

REDSHIRT
Sounds dreadful.

QUEEN
Stop. You're better than that.

REDSHIRT
(Realizing.)
You– remind me of someone.

QUEEN
(Mock surprise.)
Do I now? Who ever could you mean?

REDSHIRT
It's been you every time, hasn't it?

QUEEN
Yes... And no.

REDSHIRT
(Exasperated, but says nothing about it.)
Why are you stalking me?

QUEEN
Vetting you. Wondering about the man inside the red shirt.

REDSHIRT
For what?

QUEEN
For things bigger than your Intrepid. Had any interesting dreams lately?

REDSHIRT
More like hallucinations. I hit my head pretty hard, you know.

QUEEN
Sorry about that–– Rush job.

REDSHIRT
Go on...

QUEEN
This universe is loosening its' grip on you. You have a chance to go places I can't even imagine.

REDSHIRT
What?

QUEEN
The multiverse could use a few more guys like you.

REDSHIRT
Me? What am I, anyway? Cannon fodder, you know that! Look a the shirt!
(Tugs at the fabric for emphasis.)

QUEEN
You have survived every challenge. Four shuttle crashes, the first– I mean– the Vardellian War, space madness, ion storms, monsters–

REDSHIRT
So?

QUEEN
It's a kind of heroic. You have a talent for being useful. Powers greater than I need guys like you.

REDSHIRT
(Somewhat nonplussed.)
As in "I got a guy that can help you with that"?

QUEEN
Things need fixing. That's where 'guys like you' come in.

REDSHIRT
(Thinking out loud.)
Fixing things...

QUEEN
The Multiverse is unstable. It needs maintenance.

REDSHIRT
Maintenance.

QUEEN
Cleaning things up, in a manner of speaking.

REDSHIRT
(Realizing now.)
Wait a minute-- you mean cleaning up other people's messes!

QUEEN
(Somewhat reluctant.)
Sometimes...

REDSHIRT
It's a custodian's job! Just ike cleaning the plasma conduits!
(He turn away from her)

QUEEN
(She comes up close behind, as though to whisper in his ear.)
You'll get to have a magic sword.

REDSHIRT
(Looks at the Queen, looks away again.)
I– don't– No–

QUEEN
(Trying to cajole him a bit now.)
Oh, come on... It'll be fun!

REDSHIRT
You have a really weird sense of humor.

QUEEN
Bubba, you ain't seen weird yet. Those guys are you.

REDSHIRT
Oh, please! Those guys are heroes!

QUEEN
Says you. You are them, and they are in awe of you as well.

REDSHIRT
Liar!

QUEEN
(Offended, dials it up a little.)
I have no need to lie when truth remains stranger than fiction.

REDSHIRT
Goddess help me, I'm starting to believe you.

QUEEN
(Maybe a little creepy.)
Excellent...

REDSHIRT
(Gives her a look over that one.)
Why?

QUEEN
Because you said she would have done it for you. So did they.

REDSHIRT
(He is almost speechless with surprise. He waves his arm.)
Lead on.
(Looks back at his body.)

QUEEN
He'll be fine until you get back. Then it will be just another of your 'unusually vivid' dreams.
(The pair begin to exit stage left.)
Until you are called again, Mr. Redshirt.

REDSHIRT
Eh, just call me Guy.

QUEEN
(Amused.)
Mr. Guy?

REDSHIRT
(Brightens up a bit.)
Hey, you know, in Korean that would be Guy–Shi. I kind of like that...
I may be an Idiot, but I'm no Fool...
For Maura, 4/7/59-11/21/09... My Muse, my Heroine, my Editor, my Patron. All that I have achieved as a writer is because of her.