New here and to writing a book.

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KillerDragon
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Thu Jun 09, 2011 5:25 am Post

Hello everyone. My pen name (so far) is Killer Gry Dragon. I have a few stories I am working on. Some for fun and only one that I might see about publishing if its good. I am willing to share parts of my stories with you guys as long as no one rags on how my Characters are. I am creating this massive world that I would love to write many stories in and have different main chars with in them. Show how the world looks with the eyes of others that live in the world. The main Genar that I write in is SF and Fantasy. ( If my spelling is bad I am sorry) I hope that soon I put up my stories here for you guys to read and enjoy and help me in anyway you guys can.

36 Views and no reply. Guess I am doing something wrong if no one wants to reply to me here. Maybe its my pen name. I dunno. Maybe if I post a part of the story I am working on.

Would anyone want to read my opening to my first novel?

Br
Broken Thought
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Mon Jun 13, 2011 10:39 pm Post

Welcome to the forums.

I don't know if anyone will rag on your characters or not, but if they do it's they are only trying to help you improve them and your writing.

A lot of people share there writing on these forums, but I'm not sure of the rules. I think you would need to keep it in manageable chunks, let's say around 250-400 words, 500 may be pushing it (but I'm not sure so don't quote me on that).

So, yeah, welcome to the forums.

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KillerDragon
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Mon Jun 13, 2011 10:56 pm Post

Thank you. Well I can post it here now and would love and good crizum on it. If you need some back story to help get a feel for it just ask and I will give it.

Panting from the side of his muzzle, he looks upon the desolate desert as a reflection of himself. Long desolate hot place that had once held life and meaning now just a place for one to wither and die. He doesn’t want to die but feels like there is no other way but to just lay there and die.

A sound perked up his ears and made them swivel on top of his head looking for where it was coming from. He looks around him wanting to know what that sound was if there was one and where it was coming from. All he could see was the old space elevator in the direction of his path and long stretch of desert.

“Maaax…… Maaax……” a soft feminine voice called out from somewhere. Max was surprised to hear that the sound was a voice. Non one would dare to leave the city to look for him defying the ruling of the council. If one went out to look for an exiled person that one would suffer the same fate. No one wants that. No one would be out here for him.

“Maaaax……… Oh Maaax……” the voice was getting louder. Max finely saw where the voice was coming from. Someone far in the dessert walking slowly to him. The heat vapors from the ground distorting the person making it hard to make out who it is.

The person kept on coming closer and closer; still calling out Max’s name softly. Max’s blue eyes suddenly go wide as he now sees the person coming to him but he couldn’t believe it.

“You can not be real. No! Get away from me!!! You’re dead……” Max said with his last words as he collapsed down onto the ground. Eyes rolling to the back of his head as his eye lids slowly close on him. He last vision of the phantom figure that had called out his name standing over him.

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Fluff
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Tue Jun 14, 2011 1:30 pm Post

First point I wish to make, is: I flatly refuse to converse with a person hiding behind the persona of an animal/beast/creature. I shall call you KGD,

“Maaaax……… Oh Maaax……” the voice was getting louder. Max finely saw where the voice was coming from. Someone far in the dessert walking slowly to him. The heat vapours from the ground distorting the person making it hard to make out who it is. KGD, in the movie, Lawrence of Arabia, the actor, Omar Sherif's, first appearance is in a scene similar to the one you are describing here. Lawrence and an Arab companion, are staring through the shimmering heat haze toward the barely distinguishable horizon. On the horizon, is a very tiny shape, that gradually grows over a relitively lengthy camera shot, into the figure of Sharif on a camel. It is one of the eeriest scenes I've ever witnessed. It put most horror/scifi cinematography to shame. Truly scary. You could make much more of the effects that the phantom's coming has on Max

I must go, I'm late for an appointment with the vet. I'll chat more when I return.
Fluff
4.30pm
OK I'm back. Vet said I'm not getting enough sex. :shock: I told the man, "You've got no idea what you're talking about! If you saw the dirty smelly old tomcats on offer, sniffing around, you'd think celibacy was the soft option too. Y' silly old quack."

Now then KGD, If, as you claim, your preferred/chosen genre, is sci fi/fantasy, (judging by the offering above, it's one you are definitely at home in), it's my sorry duty to inform you, that once you sign up and become a member of The Pirate Ship Scrivener's motley crew (or Mötley Crüe as I sometimes think it should be... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nW0-1_zG ... re=related )
...you'll find yourself thinking, as you interact (if you should so choose), with other members, "Am I wrong...or are the boundaries between fantasy and reality, blurring; are they melding into a single all encompassing whole (or hole more like!). They all live in their own little world, but are collectively know as, A Cabal of Fantasists! :
:shock:

If you are worried about spelling, just use your spell check. DON'T! use auto correct, because it can put all kinds of rubbish in.

The overall picture you've painted above, is an intriguing one, I would want to know more. I have a few nit-picks, but they are just that. There are few things I would put differently but we don't want to get in to me writing it.

I'll gladly give you my thoughts on those things I'd alter, if that's what you want. But they are only my opinions. There are those on board Scriv, much more skilled in the art of critiquing than I.
Apart from all that! A hearty welcome aboard SCrivener KGD :lol:
Fluff.
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KillerDragon
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Tue Jun 14, 2011 6:51 pm Post

Thank you very much. If I like your ideas I might put them in and see how it turns out. I can always turn back the clock with the snapshot fetcher in the program if it doesn't truly look good or fit. I always use spell check on words(never was a good speller). I'm starting on the next scene already. when I get that done I can put it up. I am glad that my opening has hooked you in( which is what I was going for). There will most likely be more back story for the character and the whole world in that scene. I hope you all will enjoy it.

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Fluff
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Tue Jun 14, 2011 10:05 pm Post

KGD,


As I've said, these are only my uneducated opinions

Panting from the side of his muzzle,< are you saying that, as he's panting, he's also, actually LOOKNG at the desert and as he's looking at it, it occurrs to him, that his soon to be, state, i.e., lifeless, is analogous to the desert itself? If that is the case, I think you need to reword the sentance. It just doesn't read right to me. Or when you say > he looks upon <-are you saying he's 'internalising', having a philosophical moment, as in: regards the desolate desert as a reflection of himself. In which case, I think you need to seperate the panting bit from the rest. I've done my version of the paragraph, as an example of what I'm talking about.]] Long desolate hot place that had once held life and meaning now just a place for one to wither and die. He doesn’t want to die but feels like there is no other way but to just lay there and die.

He stood, exhausted and acquiescent, panting from the side of his muzzle, over a lolling tongue.

Now, no longer awed by the abject desolation surrounding him, he nodded his silent acknowledgement of the desert's inevitable and eventual claim to his body and soul. He sensed his life forces preparing to relinquish possession of him; reducing him to a miniature replication of the desert itself, a place, as once the desert truely was, brimming with life, hopes, achievements, but now devoid of that life force, a barren empty world.

He didn't want to die, but the choice wasn't his to make. He no longer possessed physical and mental stamina required to contemplate, even the possibility, of resistance. He knew that once he lay his body on the ground, the end would be upon him. He would then become...desert.


What I've tried to do, is create a physical image of an exhausted, wasted figure. Then sought to create a sense of that doomed figure coming to terms with the reality of its imminent demise.
Do you see what I'm getting at KGD. I found the first paragraph confusing. I hope I've made my point clear. Just ask if there is anything you want clarifying.
Take care
Fluff
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KillerDragon
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Tue Jun 14, 2011 10:36 pm Post

It does look alot better then my first one. what you wrote here could be that missing thing a friend told me he had but couldn't put to words. I'll show it to this friend and see if it fills in what was missing.

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Fluff
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Tue Jun 14, 2011 11:02 pm Post

KGD, What you have to bear in mind, is, that to make a point, I've used far more words than you have. You've said almost the same, but it just went a bit pear shaped. Just look at what you've written, Think like Max. Max knows he's going to die. Those are the thought with which he's preoccupied. You as the narrator, are the voice to draw the analogy. Does that make sense?
Fluff :?
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KillerDragon
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Tue Jun 14, 2011 11:25 pm Post

Yes it does make sense.

How does this look.

His tongue lolling out the side of his muzzle; deep panting breaths of exhaustion escaping from him as he falls down to his knees.

The sun beating down on him mercilessly. He realizes that this might be his last days on this planet. He looked upon the desert knowingly that he may soon become a part of it. Fitting that he should die here for he feels the desert as a reflection of how he feels. Once full of life and meaning and joy now just an empty dead waste land of death.

He didn’t want to die but the sun kept draining him of his energy to go on. He tries to get up on his week legs and get to shelter to survive this. If he didn’t try he knew he would end up like that sun bleached cow skull.

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Fluff
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Wed Jun 15, 2011 9:50 pm Post

KGD

His tongue lolling out the side of his muzzle; deep panting breaths of exhaustion escaping from him as he falls down to his knees. I'm afraid you'll have to re jig this sentence, KGD. I think you'll find that: air, escapes from a punctured tyre: water escapes/seeps from a bucket with a hole in it. Both are a one way process. Neither tyre nor bucket have any means of preventing the escapes, without human intervention. Only the remnants of the final exhalation upon death, could possibly be described as, escaping, but even that's a bit iffy.

Panting, is very much a process under the control of the person or beast that's doing the panting. There's a good possibility, if not probability, that as a result of rapid inhalation and exhalation, some of the exhaled breath will be sucked back in again. So in this case escape is a non runner. Breaths of exhaustion doesn't do it for me either. Exhaustion, realistically, I think, belong with collapsing.

'Exhausted, Max fell to his knees...' ,or, 'Max fell to his knees, exhausted. His rapid moisture laden panting, and spittle flecked tongue, lolling from the side of his muzzle, cost him precious body moisture he coulf ill afford to lose.
Hope this makes sense.
Fluff
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KillerDragon
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Thu Jun 16, 2011 4:30 am Post

Panting heavily with his tongue lolling out the side of his muzzle. He collapsed to his knees in exhaustion. His legs unwilling to go on any longer.

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Fluff
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Thu Jun 16, 2011 3:58 pm Post

KillerDragon wrote:Panting heavily with his tongue lolling out the side of his muzzle. He collapsed to his knees in exhaustion. His legs unwilling to go on any longer.


Nearly there, Killer. However, we have a problem.

I'm not really qualified to be correcting you're work. I can only give you my extremely uneducated opinion
(with great emphasis placed on the word, 'uneducated' :( ). You really need the services of a Grammarian, or, to spend some time brushing up on sentence structure and punctuation. These are areas in which I am a total novice.

But before I take my leave of you, let's have a look at: 'Panting heavily with his tongue lolling out the side of his muzzle. He collapsed to his knees in exhaustion.

I think the essence of what you're saying, is:
'Panting heavilly, and with his tongue lolling at the side of his muzzle, he collapsed to his knees in exhaustion,
Now then, because I'm being asked to look critically at the sentence, but armed only with my uneducated opinion, I'm picking fault where others may not, so I could be wrong. OK? This is what knowledgeable folk, may, pick up on :

At first glance, it could reads as though, Max, is panting with, his tongue, and the tongue just happens to be lolling from the side of his muzzle. We need to seperate the panting process from the lolling tongue, so:

'Panting heavily with his tongue lolling out the side of his muzzle. becomes: 'Panting heavily, and with his...we've rid the sentence of any possibility of ambiguity (I think), concerning lolling tongue and panting. Or even a simple comma splice, as I think it's called: 'Panting heavily,his tongue lolling at the side of his muzzle'.

Also, you'll notice that I've replaced, 'lolling out the side', with 'lolling at the side', because, first of all , out the side, sound to me as though it needs an, 'of' after 'out'. I'm not too sure whether it does or not, but 'lolling at', says all that needs to be said, and it's easier on the eyes and ears.

But, the sentence still isn't working, because: 'Panting heavily, and with his tongue lolling out the side of his muzzle.' leaves us waiting for that particular sentence's conclusion.
I lack command of the necessary grammatical technical terminology (at the tip of my lolling tongue) for a detailed analysis. But, simply speaking, for the conclusion to the first sentence, we have to read the following sentence:
'He collapsed to his knees in exhaustion.' Which is incorrect.
'Panting heavily, and with his tongue lolling out the side of his muzzle'..needs..., he collapsed to his knees in exhaustion
For the first sentence to stand on its own. It would have to be worded something like this: 'Max, with his tongue lolling from the side of his muzzle, panted heavily.' You'll see the point I'm making, if you read the original sentence and then the altered sentences out loud, or get someone to read them to you.

Here are a few, variations I can think of.

'Max, with his tongue lollin from the side of his muzzle, and panting heavily, fell to his knees, weak from exhaustion, his legs unable to carry him further.' or 'With his legs unable to carry him further, Max, fell to his knees, weak from exhaustion

This is the reason I've suggested you brush up on sentence structure, and punctuation. What you've done, is, split one sentence, unnecessarily and incorrectly in two.

I've replaced, 'His legs unwilling to go on any longer.' with, 'his legs unable to carry him further'. The latter, is a mere statement of fact, dealing in a simple way with an inevitable concequence of exhaustion. The former, implies, ability, but reluctance to comply. ' Unwilling', would be eminently suitable, if you were narrating ongoing happenings, as a monumental struggle between man/beast, and his body or rather him and his body and its limitations. He/it, pushing, pushing, pushing, and his body resisting, rebelling.

This all sound terribly pedantic, I know, but it is the kind of stuff you're quite likely to come up against.

Well Killer. I hope we've learnt something together. With a bit of luck someone more knowledgeable will look in and give us both a few tips, and pointers.

If I was you, Killer, I'd look for a forum that is dedicated to critique by the forum members, of each other's work. Scrivener isn't a dedicated CRIT FORUM, it's more for people busy using the software professionally.

So take care, and good luck with your writing
Fluff
P.S. Try substituting, 'Snout' for muzzzle. In my experience, snout is far more commonly used to describe an animal's nose section, (muzzle). Initially, I thought Max was being forced to wear some kind of leather head restraint. :shock: I suspect you're using, muzzle, in order to alert the reader to the fact that, Max isn't human.
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KillerDragon
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Thu Jun 16, 2011 5:13 pm Post

Max is an anthro wolf. I tend to use muzzle insted of snout. I'll look into finding a crticing site.

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Fluff
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Thu Jun 16, 2011 6:08 pm Post

KillerDragon wrote:Max is an anthro wolf. I tend to use muzzle insted of snout.


'Muzzle', did lead to that conclusion.
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Fri Jun 17, 2011 9:20 am Post

Ignoring style for a second and focusing on content, hard for me as I am usually all about style over substance, I really like that this opener makes me ask lots of questions :?: :?: :?: - a sense that we have stumbled onto something interesting and wondering how everyone got here. :P
i am happy to give feedback on short passages.

be warned, though. my feedback can be blunt... always well intentioned and aimed at helping you improve, but possibly more honest than you are used to.

as such, i will only chip in if directly invited.