The Incontinent Bomb Squad

kl
klcorridon
Posts: 311
Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:38 pm
Platform: Mac
Location: Eugene, OR

Thu May 05, 2011 7:13 pm Post

The Incontinent Bomb Squad
Cast:
Narrator/Sound Effects, Stinky, Smelly, Funky, and Commander Brown

Narrator
The evil bomber continues his reign of terror across the city. The valiant members of the bomb squad have so far thwarted him at every turn, until today, when the fiend staged a pre-emptive strike against them…
(squad enters and lines up on stage right in order of their lines)
Stinky
The timer’s running!
Smelly
Who would put a bomb on a sewer thingy?
Funky
That’s uphill from an orphanage? And Kitten sanctuary?
Commander Brown
We’re over a major gas line as well. An explosion could take out kitten sanctuaries across the region.
Stinky
I’ve been feeling funny since we ate those brownies from that anonymous gift basket.
Smelly
Dude, they weren’t that kind of brownie… (huh-huh)
Commander Brown
Stinky, take it!

Stinky
Yes, sir, Commander…
(Stinky approaches the easel and timer, but does not touch!)
It’s got… It’s got… I gotta go!
(Stinky runs to the back of the line)
Commander Brown
Smelly! Go in! What do you see?
Smelly
(Smelly approaches the bomb)
A lot of wires. Looks like the same perpetrator, alright.
Commander Brown
Then go for the blue wire first.
Smelly
All the wires are brown… Commander Brown.
Commander Brown
All of them?
Smelly
Yeah… but different kinds of brown. Y’know like when you’ve had a bunch of curry?
Commander Brown
Yeah…
Smelly
I gotta go.
(runs to a chair and sits)

Commander Brown
What’s with you people ? Funky! Go!
(Funky approaches the bomb)
Funky
I’m betting it’s one of these darker ones… like when you’ve been eating MRE’s. Yeah… Umm, I gotta go too.
(runs to a chair and sits)
Commander Brown
Bunch a wussies, I swear. Does the old man have to show you how it’s done? Again?
(Brown approaches the bomb.)
This thing is Evil.
(looks closer)
This one’s mottled… like when you’ve been eating corn.
(STINKY RETURNS TO END OF LINE)
Stinky
Commander, I’m back. I think you might be onto something there.
Commander Brown
Stinky! I… I gotta go.
(Brown runs off to a chair and sits)
(SMELLY RETURNS TO END OF LINE)
Smelly
Stinky! I got your back now. Dang, those brownies blew right through me.
(FUNKY RETURNS TO END OF LINE)

Funky
I’m back now too. The Commander don’t sound so good, though.
(Stinky is examining the bomb)
Stinky
I think it’s a dirty bomb, guys.
Commander Brown
It will be if we — ugh! — If we don’t do something.
Smelly
Yeah, I think I got another bomb of my own in the works.
Funky
I’m not pulling your finger again, man. Ever.
Smelly
(Smelly is giggling)
(lower, more conspiratorial now) We could really scare Stink-eeyy…
(COMMANDER BROWN RETURNS TO END OF LINE)
Funky
(looks over at Commander Brown first)
Commander will shove something up your butt… oh, why not?
(He pulls Smelly’s finger)
SFX: Fart sound
Stinky
(alarmed, jumps)
Aah! How could you do that to me! You… I gotta go!
(Stinky runs to a chair and sits)

Commander Brown
OK, comedian, get up there!
Smelly
(to himself, as he approaches bomb) I coulda been an astronaut, but no, I wanted to get laid…
(loudly) Sir, yes, sir!
Funky
We’re running out of time! I say go for the mottled wire as well!
Smelly
But there’s two of those. Who makes a bomb with all the same color wires?!
Commander Brown
Can you see a detonator?
Smelly
No, just… eww… that’s —
Stinky
A snickers bar?
Smelly
You wish —- I gotta go again.
(runs to a chair and sits)
Commander Brown
(to Funky) Well, clown, get yer butt over there.
Funky
(approaches bomb)
I’ll make ya proud, chief! I’ll make ya… Hey, I think maybe it was those brownies… Ugh! I gotta go.
(Funky runs to a chair and sits)
Commander Brown
(to himself) Okay, Brownie, it really is down to you.
(looking at bomb)
What is this stuff…?
(ALL BOMB SQUAD MEMBERS RETURN TO LINE!!!)
Stinky
Butt butter?
Smelly
Lincoln logs?
Commander Brown
Enough! You’ll make me plotz again! And I really, really hate this suit right now!
(squirms a bit)
Ugh! Gotta hold on!
SFX: Fart sound
Stinky…!
Stinky
Sorry, chief, couldn’t help it. (smiling a bit) But hey! I’m empty now!
Commander Brown
Ugh! So very happy for you. Quiet!
(takes his wire cutters to the bomb)
Cutting the first mottled wire… now!
(everybody cringes, nothing happens)

Smelly
Timer’s still runnin’ chief.
Commander Brown
I know this guy’s handiwork well enough.
Stinky
What are you going to do?
Commander Brown
I’ll cut off power to the detonator! Then nothing can hurt us.
Funky
(moaning) Too late for that, Commander.
Commander Brown
(thinking out loud now) this one, that looks like too many iron supplements… Cutting… now!
(Brown cuts the wire, everybody cringes)
(Funky wails and falls to his knees)
Funky
It’s too late for me, gang! Save yourselves!
Commander Brown
Not today, cadet, not today! Do you hear me bomb? You’re done!
(Brown turns around and aims his posterior towards the bomb)
Hey, Stinky, pull MY finger!
(Stinky warily complies)
SFX: Fart sound
Commander Brown
Ahhh… That’s what I think of you and your poopy butt, dirty little bomb.
Stinky
(almost wailing) I need to clean my suit!
Smelly
Burn mine! I want a new one!
Funky
(moans)
Commander Brown
Okay, crew, let’s hit the showers!
(All exit stage to the rear)
Narrator
Can kevlar be dry-cleaned? Will they be able to order new suits before the overnight shipping deadline? Only time will tell…
I may be an Idiot, but I'm no Fool...
For Maura, 4/7/59-11/21/09... My Muse, my Heroine, my Editor, my Patron. All that I have achieved as a writer is because of her.

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vic-k
Posts: 7135
Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2007 8:23 am
Platform: Mac + Windows
Location: Protesting in the nude, outside ex Red Lion TESCO Store

Mon May 16, 2011 1:13 pm Post

The Clown in the Cloaca &The Incontinent Bomb Squad

The link between these two examples of fringe theatre, is patently more than tenuous. One wonders, are we witnessing a manifestation of the author’s excremental fixation, usually the early symptom of beer starvation/hop deprivation?
As the disease progresses, we can expect to see increased imaginary olfactory receptor malfunction, resulting in over compensatory usage of body deodorants and flowery language.
Do take care
Dr. Mulality
As a professional, you, are your one and only asset. Without integrity you are worthless, but with it, you are priceless.

kl
klcorridon
Posts: 311
Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:38 pm
Platform: Mac
Location: Eugene, OR

Tue May 17, 2011 6:38 pm Post

They say, "Write what you know."

I work as a custodian.

Wait 'til you read (and see because it's up on YouTube already) F.N.G.

Goin' for the hat trick! :mrgreen:
I may be an Idiot, but I'm no Fool...
For Maura, 4/7/59-11/21/09... My Muse, my Heroine, my Editor, my Patron. All that I have achieved as a writer is because of her.