Thanks for the feedback, I've taken two of the of's out so it should help, as well as some other editing. I'll repost what i have changed when I get home. There should be a significant difference though I only threw out about 50 words.
A hook has never been my issue, one of the few things I think I do right. But the selection and use of adverbs, adjectives, verbs, and my lack of control with run-on sentences has long been an issue for me.
Also, I've intentionally not said anything to describe the main character yet.
I'm rewriting a story that I started, but never finished, in high school, some ten or so years ago. The pacing of the story was off though the matter of the story was engrossing enough for one of my teachers to take the time and miss his lunch break reading it, even though it was only ten or so page...