How many fiction writers do we have here?

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Mollys Mum
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Mon Jun 29, 2009 10:00 pm Post

There's an interesting post on another writing site I visit where people post the first lines (or first several lines) of their latest work for reader response. I thought it was a good idea, as first lines are 1) relatively short and easy to read and 2) extremely important in terms of garnering that elusive prize, reader interest. I am still wrestling with mine, but would be willing to put it up here if others were also interested in posting theirs. You go first. No you go first.

Es
Esmeralda
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Tue Jun 30, 2009 12:57 am Post

Here’s mine:

Ana was the descendant of the first men to sail with the Grand Admiral of the Ocean Sea himself, don Cristóbal Colón.



Esmeralda

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Mollys Mum
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Tue Jun 30, 2009 1:47 am Post

Ooh, I do like that, Esmeralda. Give us the next sentence. :)

PJ
PJS
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Tue Jun 30, 2009 2:21 am Post

Esmeralda:
Immediately, I want to know if Ana is Spanish, or Italian, or Caribbean.

... and here's the (current) first line of my in-progress novel:

When he joked about death, as sane old men frequently do, Gene Murray liked to say he would probably be killed by a stray bullet at a Communion Breakfast.

ps
You can't conquer stupid — or cure it — with more stupid.

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Mollys Mum
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Tue Jun 30, 2009 2:29 am Post

I love it. :D I'll try to get mine in good enough shape to post in the next few days. Have to get through the first rough revision of the final 100 pages, and I'm set to start finessing. So to speak. :oops:

Es
Esmeralda
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Tue Jun 30, 2009 4:41 pm Post

Yes, Mollymums, Ana is a Spaniard. The book is Conquistadora. It takes place in Puerto Rico in 1840-70. This is the second line: Three men on her father’s side were among the first conquistadores, Basque sailors with intimate knowledge of the sea and fearless curiosity about what lay beyond the sunset.

Love your (current) first line, PJS. Funny and sad, and already tells us a lot, and the voice is intriguing.

This is such fun. I hope other fictioneers will weigh in with their first (current) sentences.

es

dr
druid
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Tue Jun 30, 2009 6:24 pm Post

Esmeralda wrote:Ana was the descendant of the first men to sail with the Grand Admiral of the Ocean Sea himself, don Cristóbal Colón.


I'm immediately interested, since long ago I wrote an essay on the Diario.
It's a fascinating mix of history and fiction, copied/written by a priest, many years after CC.

I do like the lilt of your sentence, but I'm puzzled by its logic.
"descendant of the first men?" She can only have one biological father.
and she's probably A descendant, rather than THE only one.
by "first men," are you referring to the first voyage? There were four.

A clearer rendition might be:
"Ana descended from a man who sailed on the first voyage with...
Or are you saying that several of her ancestors sailed with CC?
Improbable, and that raises the question of how far fiction may contort history.
Sorry to rain editorial nit-picks on your fine prose.

Es
Esmeralda
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Tue Jun 30, 2009 7:08 pm Post

Thank you, Druid, for the analysis. Of course, a descendant of one of the men. I appreciate your pointing that out. And yes, she’s descended from conquistadores through both mother‘s and father‘s lines. One sailed with CC, on her father’s side. There was another conquistador, not on any of the Gran Almirante’s voyages, on her mother’s side.

es

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Mollys Mum
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Wed Jul 01, 2009 12:35 pm Post

Wow. These are REAL people, Esmeralda! :D
I am away for the weekend of the Fourth here, so will get my first line in somewhat readable form and put it up early next week when I return.

Cheers. Happy weekend, everyone.

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JohnstonMR
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Wed Jul 01, 2009 9:32 pm Post

First line:

When you’re traveling at 75% of the speed of light, you have to make decisions quickly.

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SeanC
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Thu Jul 02, 2009 1:03 am Post

The first line of my latest book is:

Facts are not truth. Listen carefully, this is important.

Okay, that's two sentences, but they do fit on the first line.

The first line of my next book (current WIP) is:

The Deceiver had not yet arrived, but the multitudes preceded him and Jackson Square was packed.

At least, that's what it is right now. The only people who've seen it are my wife and parents and my friend (and fellow crime writer) Marcus Sakey. And now you guys. I'm about 60 pages in, and I have no idea if that will still be the first line after I've finished and gotten feedback from agent and editor.

What do y'all think? Is it a keeper? Or is it lame?
-SeanC
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SeanC
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Thu Jul 02, 2009 1:05 am Post

JohnstonMR wrote:When you’re traveling at 75% of the speed of light, you have to make decisions quickly.


Love that.
-SeanC
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ma
matt
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Thu Jul 02, 2009 3:28 am Post

JohnstonMR wrote:First line:

When you’re traveling at 75% of the speed of light, you have to make decisions quickly.


But you age more slowly, so you get more time to think about it afterwards!

Ca
Carradee
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Thu Jul 02, 2009 10:39 am Post

Esmeralda wrote:Ana was the descendant of the first men to sail with the Grand Admiral of the Ocean Sea himself, don Cristóbal Colón.

Interesting, but not my preferred genre.

Are you sure you want to be using the weak "was" there? Also, it should be "Don Cristóbal Colón", since it's being used as part of his name. I'm also assuming that you intended to call her decended from more than one of the first men who sailed with the don.

PJS wrote:When he joked about death, as sane old men frequently do, Gene Murray liked to say he would probably be killed by a stray bullet at a Communion Breakfast.

Hm. I'm intrigued. Not sure what to make of the "sane" addition to "old men" (in a good way). I'd keep reading.

JohnstonMR wrote:When you’re traveling at 75% of the speed of light, you have to make decisions quickly.

Don't have enough sense of the style yet to know if I'd like it, but it already sounds like I'll like the genre.

SeanC wrote:Facts are not truth. Listen carefully, this is important.

Um, you should've stuck to the first sentence. Second sentence makes me shrug and put it down. (If you're saying something 'profound' like the "Facts are not truth"—notice the lack of any contraction—I'm assuming that means you think it important.

SeanC wrote:The Deceiver had not yet arrived, but the multitudes preceded him and Jackson Square was packed.

Nice compound-compound sentence, but not everyone can follow those. (I've noticed that ADD folks tend not to.) It's an interesting thought, but I'm not sure about the style. (That may partially be due to the mode that the previous example put me into, because now I'm thinking of that second sentence that proved that I didn't like the style.)



My turn: opening line of a project in revision and of a project in drafting

Novel in revision:
(from the prologue, in an excerpt written by the late Princess Endellion)
[A] slight noise could be so loud.

Serial novelette in drafting/plotting:
I wish I could say that it had woken me as soon as it started, but that's a comforting nothing that my unconventional childhood stole from me.
Wanna hydroplane?
--My brother (while driving)

ma
matt
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Thu Jul 02, 2009 11:17 am Post

I don't know what the intended rules were for this thread, but I am not sure that this sub-editing and nit-picking is quite in the spirit of the original intention.

Opening lines can be fun and clever, but I don't think it is anywhere near as make-or-break as implied by:

Carradee wrote:Second sentence makes me shrug and put it down.


The first page perhaps, if browsing in a bookshop, but certainly not the first two sentences.