Thu May 08, 2014 6:01 am Post
Thu May 15, 2014 1:53 am Post
Thu May 15, 2014 12:16 pm Post
Thu May 15, 2014 1:54 pm Post
When you hold a gun on someone, don't stand close. If she's trained, and her hands are free, she'd rather get shot than follow your orders. She'll take your gun before you can pull the trigger.
Those four guys didn't know that. Or maybe they figured I didn't.
Their tough luck.
Thu May 15, 2014 2:14 pm Post
Thu May 15, 2014 2:29 pm Post
Fri May 16, 2014 11:25 am Post
Fri May 16, 2014 11:49 am Post
nom wrote:… (I mean, what do I know?)…
Fri May 16, 2014 12:46 pm Post
Sat May 17, 2014 6:09 am Post
Floss wrote:it feels like this story needs to start a little earlier. i,m all for in media res, but this feels like i,ve misjudged the length of the trailers and sat down 5 minutes late for the movie.
Floss wrote:if you,re going to use this style of opening it has to be something that isn,t bloody obvious to anyone remotely interested in this genre. it has to establish the character as being someone who knows more than us. in short they have to tell us something we don,t already know.
Floss wrote:the secret to making this genre work is to be really sharp on the technical aspects. i,m not saying you have to go all technothriller on us, but you do need to work on the details
Floss wrote:no-one is going to be half blind and deaf from the muzzle sound and report of a 9mm round
Floss wrote:someone who has self-defence training (rather than military, say) would think in terms of specific martial arts moves. those moves have names. as an aside, i find it hard to visualise the action when you describe it. that,s not your fault as such… my eyes skip ahead when lee child does it too… but with so many sequences in such a short section it means i,m not bothering with half your chapter. not good if it,s your first chapter.
Floss wrote:i,m not convinced your moves ,,work,,. when i was taught to disarm someone, you do the opposite of what you are doing here. this would get you shot, probably in the stomach
Floss wrote:british courts aren,t going to go nuts if a teenage girl uses a gun recovered from four thugs to defend herself when her life is threatened, she has a witness, and the physical evidence to support the story of abuse and kidnap
Floss wrote:is a glock 17 really over hyped? is it really favoured by two-bit delinquents everywhere?
Sat May 17, 2014 6:12 am Post
PJS wrote:Mostly, I agree with Floss. However, you might start at the same place if you get into the action sooner, saving details and modifiers for later. Cut the opening in half.
Sat May 17, 2014 6:14 am Post
Jaysen wrote:I liked the writing, but the facts seemed off (floss' points about MA, UK self defense, etc). I could over look the facts with no issue, but it would make the story less ... authentic. Odd to look for authenticity from fiction, but you seem to be placing this in modern times in known places so you have an obligation to stay factual
Sat May 17, 2014 6:21 am Post
Hugh wrote:Additionally, I query one or two other things; for example, occasionally the vocabulary slips - for example, 'mistreated'? But for me, above and beyond those details, the tone and feeling of the piece is spot-on. The pace, length of sentences, hard-boiled 'masculine' expression, meagre use of adjectives and adverbs, 'expert' knowledge (especially in the opening sentence) even if conceivably wrong (I believe it because it's stated with confidence), the fact I can understand it all on a quick read - all contribute to the mood of an action thriller, which is what I assume you're writing. I like it. As a draft of a WIP - well done.
Sat May 17, 2014 6:25 am Post
nom wrote:In short, I liked it. Not my normal genre, so I can't make meaningful comparisons, but I would keep reading. Mainly because I want to know the relationship between these two girls and how, and why, Amanda got to be such a "kick-ass" martial arts expert..
nom wrote:Like others have mentioned, I was distracted by perceived factual/reality inconsistencies (like being ill-treated by the justice system for self-defence against her captors; or why she was so energetic and capable after days of deprivation and torture; or, if she was so kick-ass as to be able to take down 4 thugs after all that, why she hadn't acted earlier). Although I wasn't entirely convinced of the legitimacy of the moves as described, I was prepared to go along (I mean, what do I know?). I actually found it more helpful to describe her moves rather than use names because it meant I could visualise them (except I got confused whether she was using her fists or the staff at one stage during the melee).
nom wrote:I thought the format was effective (e.g. describing the action in italics) and the pacing worked.
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